EXPLANATION OF YOUR BILL

ACCOUNT SUMMARY

Amount of Last Bill......................................... $3,033.26
Payment(s) Thank You*..................................... $24.55
Balance.............................................. Do the math, genius!

* Yeah, big wow. You owe over $3,000 and you paid a whopping $24.55. Who racks up $3,000 worth of phone charges in one month, anyway? Are you some kind of a freak? Truth be told, we've been listening in on some of your conversations. Very kinky. You are a freakin' freak.


CURRENT CHARGES

Local Monthly Charges....................................... $36.45
Long Distance Service Charges......................... $999.88**

**What's with all the calls to Thailand? Are you running some kind of a porn ring?

Total Due by 09/15/2009: $4,066.38

Important Information - You are responsible for payment of all charges on your bill. Not your Mommy. Not your Daddy. Not your Doggy. Not your Kitty. Not your Fishy. Not your Birdy. Not your Hamstery. Not your Turtley. You and only you. That's right, and...Hey! stop crying and grow up, sissy boy. If you want to text, you have to pay the texting piper. Oh, and by the way, your "dial tone" may be disconnected if you do not pay your essential charges such as your telephone line, surcharges and fees. (Who are we kidding "may be?") Frankly, we'll come at 3:30 in the morning while you're sleeping off your latest walpurgisnacht. Not only will we disconnect your "dial tone," we'll also make mystery red marks all over your arms by jabbing at you with toothpicks, and we'll also de-pair your socks. But feel free to tell your friends you were abducted by aliens while you were sleeping. We're sure they'll vouch that you are compos mentis.

Call 1-888-XXX-XXXX for Customer Service.

Here's a tip: XXX-XXXX is not a real phone number. Anyone with half a brain already knows this, but of course, anyone with half a brain h as already switched to a different service. If you actually read this explanation, you will come to discover the secret of the "Customer Service" number. If not, we hope you enjoy the theme from Riverdance. It plays over and over again on the "Customer Service" line interrupted only every 3 minutes by a guy with the hiccups and a frog in his throat saying: "Please continue to hold, we beg of you!"


SUMMARY OF CATEGORIES THAT MAKE UP YOUR CHARGES FOR THIS BILLING PERIOD


Recurring Charges (These are charges that get recycled to help the environment)
Local Telephone Service:
Charge for Network Access
Voice Mail
Voice lessons
Voiceovers
Give Voice to Your Dreams
I am Woman; Hear me Roar!
Universal Connectivity Fee (Universal Service Fund (USF)*** , Federal Universal Service Fund
Local Number Portability
Emergency 911
What's the 411?
It Takes 1 to Know 1
TRS (Telecommunications Relay)
Graphics Card
Honor Bar (we know you took a bite out of the Toblerone, so you're getting clipped for that)
Federal Excise Tax
Utility User Tax
City Tax
Sin Tax
Inconvenience Fee
Random Inexplicable Charges

***This, of course, is bullshit. You know it. We know it. But you pay it, anyway, don't you? Nobody knows what the "Universal Connectivity Fee" is. We sure as hell don't.


Total Long Distance Monthly Charges............................................................... $999.98


DATE TIME PLACE NUMBER MINUTES

08/01 7:05 pm Bangkok, Thailand (018) xxx-xxxx 10
08/02 8:05 pm Bangkok, Thailand (018) xxx-xxxx 20
08/03 9:05 pm Bangkok, Thailand (018) xxx-xxxx 30
08/04 10:05 pm Bangkok, Thailand (018) xxx-xxxx 40
08/05 11:05 pm Bangkok, Thailand (018) xxx-xxxx 50
08/06 12:05 pm Bangkok, Thailand (018) xxx-xxxx 60
08/07 1:05 pm Bangkok, Thailand (018) xxx-xxxx 70
08/08 2:05 pm Bangkok, Thailand (018) xxx-xxxx 80
08/09 3:05 pm Bangkok, Thailand (018) xxx-xxxx 90
08/10 4:05 pm Bangkok, Thailand (018) xxx-xxxx 100
08/11 5:05 pm Bangkok, Thailand (018) xxx-xxxx 110
08/12 6:05 pm Bangkok, Thailand (018) xxx-xxxx 120
08/13 7:05 pm Bangkok, Thailand (018) xxx-xxxx 130
08/14 8:06 pm Fresno, CA (559) xxx-xxxx 1
08/15 9:05 pm Bangkok, Thailand (018) xxx-xxxx 140
08/16 10:05 pm Bangkok, Thailand (018) xxx-xxxx 150
08/17 11:05 pm Bangkok, Thailand (018) xxx-xxxx 160
08/18 12:05 pm Bangkok, Thailand (018) xxx-xxxx 170


It's like you have some kind of fetish.


This portion of your bill is provided as a service to your long distance telephone company. Nonpayment of these services will not result in disconnection of your local telephone service. However, the service provider associated with these charges may initiate collection activity on its own behalf. God, we hope they do. You need some kind of an intervention.

The Federal Communications Commission (FCC) allows us to charge whatever we want (AUTCWWW).

Helpful Hint For Cutting Your Phone Bill

Use scissors.