Pardon Me, Can You Spare Any Pessac Léognan?

The New York Times reports that a new Web site set up by the promotional body for the Bordeaux wine region of France, Le Wine Buff, invites readers to post questions and have them answered by wine experts during live "video chats." The idea is to allow clueless restaurant patrons visiting France (read "Americans") to practice ordering wines with a live person on-line so that they won't be humiliated by the sommelier in front of their date when they try the real thing in the flesh.

As the Times has noted, Bordeaux labels, with their "decorous chateaus, often depicted on the label, and complex hierarchies of quality," can seem intimidating. Like virtually all Americans, I am easily intimidated by French speakers and sommeliers, so I decided to give the video chat a shot.

Here's pretty much how it went:

Enjoy Bordeaux Website ("EBW")

Seth ("Seth")

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EBW: Bonjour, J'mappelé Michelle.

Seth: Bonjur.

EBW: Peux-je vous aider ?

Seth: I'm sorry?

EBW: Peux-je vous aider ?

Seth: Why are you speaking French?

EBW: This is a French Website.

Seth: Well, it's very intimidating. Can you speak English? I came here to rehearse my Bordeaux wine skills, not be humiliated by some cyber waitress with an attitude.

EBW: Of course, Sir. What would you like to know about Bordeaux wines?

Seth: Well, suppose I'm in a a French restaurant in France and I want to order a French wine and pay for it with French money, what should I order that would wipe the sneer off the sommelier's face, cause the other diners to swoon, impress my date, and not cost anything?

EBW: What are you eating at this imaginary restaurant?

Seth: Oh, I don't know frogs legs..and grits.

EBW: Frogs legs and frites?

Seth: Yes. No, and grits.

EBW: Quels sont des grits?

Seth: Wait. I changed my mind. A souffle.

EBW: Un souffle ?

Seth: With frites.

EBW: Vous souhaitez commander un souffle avec les granulations?

Seth: Huh?

EBW: Sir, this is not a typical French meal.

Seth: Ok. never mind I'm not hungry. I'll just have a glass of wine.

EBW: You are not hungry?

Seth: I just want to have a glass of wine.

EBW: What would you like to have?

Seth: That's what I'm asking you.

EBW: Je ne comprends pas.

Seth: Je neither. Look, why don't you just rattle off the names of some wines, and when I hear the one I like, I'll order it.

EBW: You wish me to simply list the wines?

Seth: Yes please. And when I hear the one I want, I'll order it.

EBW: Very well. This is highly irregular.

Seth: Yes. Like many French verbs. Go ahead.

EBW: Very well, sir. We have Médoc, Haut Médoc, Margaux, Pauillac, Saint Estèphe, Saint Julien, Listrac,
Moulis, Saint Emilion, Cotes de Castillon, Cotes de Francs,
Pomerol, Fronsac, Cotes de Bourg, Graves, Pessac Léognan, Barsac, Sauternes, Premieres Cotes de Bordeaux, Bordeaux aoc/supérieur, Entre deux mers.

Seth: Wow. That's a lot. What was the first one you said?

EBW: Médoc.

Seth: Is it cheap?

EBW: It's fairly inexpensive, Sir.

Seth: Is it easy to pronounce?

EBW: Yes, sir.

Seth: Will my date be impressed?

EBW: In a manner of speaking.

Seth: Will the sommelier laugh at me?

EBW: No, sir.

Seth: Does it taste good?

EBW: Without question, sir.

Seth: Can I get it in a glass?

EBW: Yes, sir. That is how it comes.

Seth: Is that what you would order if you were me?

EBW: At this point, yes.

Seth: Are you just saying that to get rid of me?

EBW: No, sir. Médoc is a very fine wine. I enjoy it often.

Seth: Ok, I'll have one of those.

EBW: You want frites with that?