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Aries
The lunar eclipse on the 15th falling at 10 degrees Cancer could bring about a desultory spell. (Don't pretend you know what the word means -- look it up). You will definitely run out of toothpaste and paper towels around the 27th. Your attempts to slide by for a few days on baking soda and coffee filters will fool no one but yourself. These changes in the availability of hygiene items will be ones that you may feel you're being forced to accept. This comes as a result of the current position of Saturn and Pluto. Stay practical and focus on what you can change and don't worry about what you can't. Or, on the other hand, drop everything and invest in a short jaunt to Walgreens.
Taurus
Don't be sad that your sun sign shares it name with a station wagon. One day, you'll be able to move into 5th gear. One day. For the moment, you're in neutral and the hazard lights are on. This can be frustrating for the Taurus who likes to dodge sluggish pedestrians in the crosswalk while flipping them the bird. Yes, it's humiliating. But roadside assistance is on the way. (Your reference number is A-423678 and is yours to keep!). In the meantime, you will have a number of documents to sign some time between the 1st and the 31st. In no event should you sign these papers in your sleep. Wait until the 18th or 19th to be safe.
Gemini
Your sister, brother, or cousin may be the subject of enormous news this month. Or perhaps your aunt or uncle or drycleaner. And quite possibly, the person who wears a government-issued uniform and delivers your neighbor's mail to you and yours to your neighbor on a nearly religious timetable. So keep your cell phone powered up, as you never know! As a matter of fact, be sure not to lose your cell phone, and keep several spare chargers in your house, your car, your office and the gym (but not in the sauna, as this can be harmful to the charger). Write your name, address, and phone number on everything you own, and you will be fortunate to get back all the items that you have forgotten in taxis, especially with Mars in retrograde.
Cancer
In the next days, weeks, months, years, and decades, you will almost definitely experience some changes and meet someone. Don't know where. Don't know when. But you'll meet someone one sunny day. You may get engaged or married or separated on a trial basis or just pretend to be in a drunken moment at a cocktail party. You won't recall this event. With all the planets filling your seventh house, it will feel like you don't have a place to store your things. Don't worry. When you run out of wheat thins and gin and tonic, they'll move on.
Leo
Saturn will be in hard angle to Pluto making it nearly impossible to parallel park this month, but there will be spaces available in the lot across the street, especially on the 9th and 23rd. The 4th, 7th, and 13th will be the worst days for parking, because, even though there will be plenty of people sitting in their cars with the engine running, they're not pulling out any time soon. They're just sitting there for no reason just to spite you, because there are 7 minutes left on the meter. Jupiter, the giver of gifts and luck, will move into Pisces on the 17th, and if you take the subway today, you're sure to get a seat. The porch light on your eighth house is out, by the way.
Virgo
Big news! On the 12th, there will be a knock at the door. Answer it. A group of people wearing yellow jackets and holding balloons will be there to greet you. You have definitely won a prize! Either a new car, a weekend getaway, or a month's supply of birdseed. Prizes may vary, but everyone who participates will win! (Employees and each of their respective affiliated companies, and advertising and promotional agencies, and the immediate family members of, and any persons domiciled with, any such employees are not eligible to enter or to win. Sponsor reserves the right to disqualify persons found tampering with or otherwise abusing the smoke alarm in the 7th house, as solely determined by Sponsor. In the event of a compromise by a virus, non-authorized human intervention, tampering or other causes beyond the reasonable control of Sponsor, Sponsor reserves the right in its sole discretion to suspend, modify or withdraw the prize).
Libra
Although you may find yourself in the throes of frisbees this month, several planets - particularly Jupiter, Mars, Saturn, Mercury, Earth, Mars, Uranus, Venus, Neptune, and Pluto - will be on your side and help you succeed in ways that may astound you. Wait a minute! Pluto isn't a planet any more, is it? It was for about 70 years. Then they kicked it out. Then they said maybe it could come back. But first it had to reapply. How insulting! And another thing -- eggs. First they're good. Then they're bad. Then they're good again, or at least harmless. Butter? Same. Try keeping up. You can't.
Scorpio
As a Scorpio in the months to come, you will increasingly find yourself to be in the right place at the right time. As long as you are in the right place at the right time, you will have numerous opportunities for an upgrade from a mid-sized to a full-sized, provided you agree to pre-pay the gas. If you are offered an upgrade on the 15th, pass on it, as Pluto will be in retrograde, and an upgrade during a retrograde on-again/off again planet (see above) could spell disaster: D-I-Z-A-S-T-U-R, which is an odd way to spell it.
Sagittarius
You are not the least bit materialistic. If you could live off photosynthesis and love, you surely would. You care less about wealth than just about anything else. Now, however, you will have to think about money just a little bit. This is because of a manifestation of Saturn in the third house, and the aspect you had over the last 3 years. More to the point, it has to do with all the stuff you purchased over the last 3 years with the stuff that makes the world go round:
A mark, a yen, a buck, or a pound
A buck or a pound
A buck or a pound
Is all that makes the world go around,
That clinking clanking sound
Can make the world go 'round..
You may get a raise, new job, or freelance assignment that allows you to earn more:
Money money money money money money
Money money money money money money
Money money money money money money
Money money money.
It Makes the world go round.
Also, Venus will send a lovely beam to the eclipse, with Ursa Major shinin' like a big spoon or spatula, or ladle, or something.
Capricorn
You are entering a period when there is nothing to watch on T.V. In years past, this might have been remedied with "Sweeps Week" or the new fall lineup, but with the explosion of cheaply-produced knock-offs of crap on cable, this world is no more. There is a show about Pluto on channel 2 that repeats on channel 44 that's pretty good. Here's the thing about it though. In grade school, we all learned mnemonic devices to remember the order of the planets like: "My Very Educated Mother Just Served Us Nine Pizzas." Now that they've kicked Pluto out, it doesn't work. It's worthless: My Very Educated Mother Just Served Us Nine_______________. Nine what? It doesn't make any sense. They definitely need to bring Pluto back because it's throwing everything off.
Plus there are some aspects in your Saturn that makes your Mars tilt to the left, and so on.
Aquarius
When the moon is in the 7th house, and Jupiter aligns with Mars, then peace will guide the planets, love will steer the stars, and you will find your keys. Did you check your shoes? Your shoes. No not your shirt, your shoes! Crazy? No, not really. There's a big hole in your right coat pocket where you usually put your keys and when you hung up your coat, they probably slipped out and into your...what's that? They ARE there? See? I told you. You never listen to me. The next time, instead of arguing, why don't you just listen in the first place and you could probably avoid a whole lot of nonsense. You want me to fix you a snack?
Pisces
You are only moments away from the moment when Jupiter, the giver of gifts and luck, will enter Pisces and crown you the celestial favorite. As a result, you will plant many seeds, climb many mountains, ford many streams, follow many rainbows. You can't do this barefoot. You will need a good pair of shoes with weatherproofing and insulation. Ever think about Pluto-brand shoes? They're really good.
Crafted in premium nubuck leather and constructed to be sturdy and waterproof, Pluto-brand shoes are rugged and dependable:
* Direct-attach, seam-sealed waterproof construction keep feet dry in any weather
* Padded collar for a comfortable fit around the ankle and help keep out debris
* Durable laces hardware for long-lasting wear
* Moisture wicking textile lining
Buy several pairs, as Pluto-brand shoes are being discontinued.
Born Today: If you were born today and you already know how to read, you're definitely on the fast track to success. Most people born today don't even know how to open their eyes yet. You're way ahead of the pack. Nice going!
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Aries
The lunar eclipse on the 15th falling at 10 degrees Cancer could bring about a desultory spell. (Don't pretend you know what the word means -- look it up). You will definitely run out of toothpaste and paper towels around the 27th. Your attempts to slide by for a few days on baking soda and coffee filters will fool no one but yourself. These changes in the availability of hygiene items will be ones that you may feel you're being forced to accept. This comes as a result of the current position of Saturn and Pluto. Stay practical and focus on what you can change and don't worry about what you can't. Or, on the other hand, drop everything and invest in a short jaunt to Walgreens.
Taurus
Don't be sad that your sun sign shares it name with a station wagon. One day, you'll be able to move into 5th gear. One day. For the moment, you're in neutral and the hazard lights are on. This can be frustrating for the Taurus who likes to dodge sluggish pedestrians in the crosswalk while flipping them the bird. Yes, it's humiliating. But roadside assistance is on the way. (Your reference number is A-423678 and is yours to keep!). In the meantime, you will have a number of documents to sign some time between the 1st and the 31st. In no event should you sign these papers in your sleep. Wait until the 18th or 19th to be safe.
Gemini
Your sister, brother, or cousin may be the subject of enormous news this month. Or perhaps your aunt or uncle or drycleaner. And quite possibly, the person who wears a government-issued uniform and delivers your neighbor's mail to you and yours to your neighbor on a nearly religious timetable. So keep your cell phone powered up, as you never know! As a matter of fact, be sure not to lose your cell phone, and keep several spare chargers in your house, your car, your office and the gym (but not in the sauna, as this can be harmful to the charger). Write your name, address, and phone number on everything you own, and you will be fortunate to get back all the items that you have forgotten in taxis, especially with Mars in retrograde.
Cancer
In the next days, weeks, months, years, and decades, you will almost definitely experience some changes and meet someone. Don't know where. Don't know when. But you'll meet someone one sunny day. You may get engaged or married or separated on a trial basis or just pretend to be in a drunken moment at a cocktail party. You won't recall this event. With all the planets filling your seventh house, it will feel like you don't have a place to store your things. Don't worry. When you run out of wheat thins and gin and tonic, they'll move on.
Leo
Saturn will be in hard angle to Pluto making it nearly impossible to parallel park this month, but there will be spaces available in the lot across the street, especially on the 9th and 23rd. The 4th, 7th, and 13th will be the worst days for parking, because, even though there will be plenty of people sitting in their cars with the engine running, they're not pulling out any time soon. They're just sitting there for no reason just to spite you, because there are 7 minutes left on the meter. Jupiter, the giver of gifts and luck, will move into Pisces on the 17th, and if you take the subway today, you're sure to get a seat. The porch light on your eighth house is out, by the way.
Virgo
Big news! On the 12th, there will be a knock at the door. Answer it. A group of people wearing yellow jackets and holding balloons will be there to greet you. You have definitely won a prize! Either a new car, a weekend getaway, or a month's supply of birdseed. Prizes may vary, but everyone who participates will win! (Employees and each of their respective affiliated companies, and advertising and promotional agencies, and the immediate family members of, and any persons domiciled with, any such employees are not eligible to enter or to win. Sponsor reserves the right to disqualify persons found tampering with or otherwise abusing the smoke alarm in the 7th house, as solely determined by Sponsor. In the event of a compromise by a virus, non-authorized human intervention, tampering or other causes beyond the reasonable control of Sponsor, Sponsor reserves the right in its sole discretion to suspend, modify or withdraw the prize).
Libra
Although you may find yourself in the throes of frisbees this month, several planets - particularly Jupiter, Mars, Saturn, Mercury, Earth, Mars, Uranus, Venus, Neptune, and Pluto - will be on your side and help you succeed in ways that may astound you. Wait a minute! Pluto isn't a planet any more, is it? It was for about 70 years. Then they kicked it out. Then they said maybe it could come back. But first it had to reapply. How insulting! And another thing -- eggs. First they're good. Then they're bad. Then they're good again, or at least harmless. Butter? Same. Try keeping up. You can't.
Scorpio
As a Scorpio in the months to come, you will increasingly find yourself to be in the right place at the right time. As long as you are in the right place at the right time, you will have numerous opportunities for an upgrade from a mid-sized to a full-sized, provided you agree to pre-pay the gas. If you are offered an upgrade on the 15th, pass on it, as Pluto will be in retrograde, and an upgrade during a retrograde on-again/off again planet (see above) could spell disaster: D-I-Z-A-S-T-U-R, which is an odd way to spell it.
Sagittarius
You are not the least bit materialistic. If you could live off photosynthesis and love, you surely would. You care less about wealth than just about anything else. Now, however, you will have to think about money just a little bit. This is because of a manifestation of Saturn in the third house, and the aspect you had over the last 3 years. More to the point, it has to do with all the stuff you purchased over the last 3 years with the stuff that makes the world go round:
A mark, a yen, a buck, or a pound
A buck or a pound
A buck or a pound
Is all that makes the world go around,
That clinking clanking sound
Can make the world go 'round..
You may get a raise, new job, or freelance assignment that allows you to earn more:
Money money money money money money
Money money money money money money
Money money money money money money
Money money money.
It Makes the world go round.
Also, Venus will send a lovely beam to the eclipse, with Ursa Major shinin' like a big spoon or spatula, or ladle, or something.
Capricorn
You are entering a period when there is nothing to watch on T.V. In years past, this might have been remedied with "Sweeps Week" or the new fall lineup, but with the explosion of cheaply-produced knock-offs of crap on cable, this world is no more. There is a show about Pluto on channel 2 that repeats on channel 44 that's pretty good. Here's the thing about it though. In grade school, we all learned mnemonic devices to remember the order of the planets like: "My Very Educated Mother Just Served Us Nine Pizzas." Now that they've kicked Pluto out, it doesn't work. It's worthless: My Very Educated Mother Just Served Us Nine_______________. Nine what? It doesn't make any sense. They definitely need to bring Pluto back because it's throwing everything off.
Plus there are some aspects in your Saturn that makes your Mars tilt to the left, and so on.
Aquarius
When the moon is in the 7th house, and Jupiter aligns with Mars, then peace will guide the planets, love will steer the stars, and you will find your keys. Did you check your shoes? Your shoes. No not your shirt, your shoes! Crazy? No, not really. There's a big hole in your right coat pocket where you usually put your keys and when you hung up your coat, they probably slipped out and into your...what's that? They ARE there? See? I told you. You never listen to me. The next time, instead of arguing, why don't you just listen in the first place and you could probably avoid a whole lot of nonsense. You want me to fix you a snack?
Pisces
You are only moments away from the moment when Jupiter, the giver of gifts and luck, will enter Pisces and crown you the celestial favorite. As a result, you will plant many seeds, climb many mountains, ford many streams, follow many rainbows. You can't do this barefoot. You will need a good pair of shoes with weatherproofing and insulation. Ever think about Pluto-brand shoes? They're really good.
Crafted in premium nubuck leather and constructed to be sturdy and waterproof, Pluto-brand shoes are rugged and dependable:
* Direct-attach, seam-sealed waterproof construction keep feet dry in any weather
* Padded collar for a comfortable fit around the ankle and help keep out debris
* Durable laces hardware for long-lasting wear
* Moisture wicking textile lining
Buy several pairs, as Pluto-brand shoes are being discontinued.
Born Today: If you were born today and you already know how to read, you're definitely on the fast track to success. Most people born today don't even know how to open their eyes yet. You're way ahead of the pack. Nice going!
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