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NO. 2743
ENTERED IN THE UNITED STATES CONGRESSIONAL RECORD
9:23 A.M. - Capitol Hill Police responded to a report of "Edvard Munch-like existentialist screaming" in House conference room H-1409 in the Rayburn Building. Upon investigation, it was determined that the noise was coming from a hearing on bipartisainship chaired jointly by House Democrats and Republicans. A warning was issued.
9:42 A.M. - Capitol Hill Police responded to reports of "an intruder or intruders uknown" in the Longworth Building hearing room of the House sub-committee looking into the recent security breach at a White House state dinner by a couple attempting to qualify for a television game show. The "intruder" turned out to be a small dog brought to the hearing by a committee member. A warning was issued.
10:19 a.m. - Police were called to the senate office of Senator Mary Landrieu after receiving complaints that someone posing as a telephone repairman had offered to "purchase the State of Louisiana if the senator would change her position on national healthcare." Police found no one in the office except for a weasel, which was escorted to the Capitol steps and issued a warning.
10:29 a.m. - Police and firefighters responded to a complaint of a carbon monoxide detector activation in the Congressional Office of Green Jobs in the Dirksen Building. It was found
that a cat had knocked down an exhaust pipe going to the chimney, causing the building to register high CO readings. The windows were opened for ventilation. The cat was taken into custody, as this was found to be its third violation this month. It was released with a warning.
10:53 a.m - Capitol Hill Police responded to a call that a "journalist was seen exiting a vehicle on the front drive and walking toward Pennsylvania Avenue in a peculiar post-racial manner." Upon arrival at the scene, police determined that the suspect was a news anchor from MSNBC. After displaying his credetinals to police, he issued them a warning.
11:02 a.m. - Police and firefighters responded to a complaint of a carbon monoxide detector activation in the Congressional Office of Green Jobs in the Dirksen Building. Nothing was found, but an officer reported seeing "a tail disappear into a vent."
11:15 a.m. - Reports of a "theft of the people's money" sent Capitol Hill Police to a hearing room in the Cannon House Office Building where a conference of the House Banking Committee had convened. Police found committee members chasing a canary around the room with a broom, trying to capture it or shut it up. Police attempted to secure the scene, but the bird escaped through a window that had been left open for ventilation due to high CO readings.
12:03 p.m. - Police responded to the Capitol Cafeteria after reports that an altercation had broken out between a Supreme Court justice and a resident of the White House. Police found nothing unusual. A few minutes later, police were called back to the scene amid reports that a Supreme Court justice was "irate" that a vending machine malfunction resulted in the failure to dispense a Little Debbie® cake. The justice was screaming that he would sue the McKee Foods Corporation (which makes Little Debbie® cakes) for negligence and false advertising and that he was going to "investigate all the political candidates that McKee was contributing to and make sure that they were cut off." A cashier told the justice to "simmer down" or he would get sued for defamation and interfering with McKee's First Amendment rights. The justice explained that he couldn't use the Supreme Court cafeteria, he had to use the Capitol cafeteria because they (the Supreme Court cafeteria) didn't sell Little Debbie® cakes. A warning was issued.
12:43 p.m. - Police were summoned to the Capitol lawn where a man was seen swatting a canary or some kind of small bird that was supposedly attacking him. Upon arrival at the scene, police found a MSNBC reporter trying to strangle a bird. The police offered assistance, but the bird escaped and was seen flying in the direction of the Congressional Office of Green Jobs in the Dirksen Building.
1:19 p.m. - A theft of a shoe was reported in a conference room of the Ford Building. Police responded and discovered that someone had thrown a shoe at a visiting Iraqi trade delegation member when he was at the podium giving a speech. Witnesses said the female suspect looked like a Congressional page who ran off with the shoe, which was described as "a size 6 Prada, black." Police secured the area with yellow tape but found nothing.
2:43 p.m. - A man wearing a tri-cornered hat entered the Capitol Hill Gift Shop and "wanted to know where all the tea was at." When he was told that the gift shop did not sell tea, he began screaming: "No taxation without representation! In fact no taxation at all!" Police responded and asked him to remove his hat while indoors. He complied and then purchased a Little Debbie® cake, paying the 5.75% sales tax pursuant to DC Code Citation: Title 47, Chapters 20 and 22.
3:27 p.m. - Police were called to assist a visiting Boy Scout troop from Iowa that was trying to protect a small bird in the Congressional Office of Green Jobs in the Dirksen Building that had apparently flown in there from the front lawn. A cat was said to be threatening the bird, but when police arrived, there was no sign of the cat. While there, the police noted that the CO levels seemed unusually high. Additional windows were opened for ventilation.
4:53 p.m. - Police investigated a report of a "shadowy figure" entering the Hart Senate Office Building. A woman was found skulking in the corridor. She was asked for some identification. When she opened her jacket to reach for her wallet, a size 6 black Prada shoe fell to the floor. The woman ran off in the direction of the Congressional Office of Green Jobs in the Dirksen Building. Police secured the area and took the shoe into custody.
5:32: p.m. - An anonymous caller claimed that she was holding the House Minority leader's tan hostage until he agreed "to the public option or something." Police located the House Minority leader who said that he was unaware of any threats to his tan. After investigation, police determined that it had been a prank call.
6:18 p.m. - Police responded to the parking garage beneath the Hall of the States following reports of some kind of a drag race. Skid marks were found leading to a car with Alaska plates. The vehicle apparently had been abandoned.
7:46 p.m. Police investigated reports of a pick-up basketball game in the Senate Gym where elbows were allegedly being thrown. Arriving at the scene, police found a resident of the White House playing pick-up basketball with a senator (reportedly from Massachusetts). The officer on the scene took names and addresses and filed a report.
8:22 p.m. - Police responded to the office of the House Minority leader who telephoned to say that someone had just delivered a dead fish to his office. Upon arrival at the scene, police encountered the House Minority leader who showed them a dead fish sitting on his desk wrapped in the Washington Post. No note was attached to the fish, but it had been wrapped in an article about the public option. An officer thought he heard a cat prowling in the hall, but found nothing. Police secured the scene and took photos.
9:15 p.m. - Representatives from the House Banking Committee were seen sprinting down the corridor in the Cannon Office Building. Police on the scene determined that they (the Banking Committee members) were being chased by a gang of reporters. Police escorted the House Banking Committee members to a private, secure undisclosed location so that they could complete their work without interference from the public. A warning was issued to the reporters.
10:23 p.m. A call came in from the Congressional Office of Green Jobs in the Dirksen Building about some kind of "contretemps" involving a cat, a bird, and a small dog. The officer who took the call didn't know what "contretemps" meant so no action was taken. A few minutes later, the caller called back and said there was some kind of a "crazy animal fight" going on in the Congressional Office of Green Jobs in the Dirksen Building. Officers were dispatched to the scene where they found a news anchor from MSNBC who said everything was under control. The officers noted that all the windows had been left open despite the fact that it was 3 degrees outside.
11: 48 p.m. Police responded to reports of an intruder in the Capitol cafeteria after hours. Upon arrival at the scene, officers found a Supreme Court Justice evidently talking to a vending machine. The justice was issued a warning and escorted back to the Supreme Court. He was also handed a schedule of the hours of the Capitol cafeteria.
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NO. 2743
ENTERED IN THE UNITED STATES CONGRESSIONAL RECORD
9:23 A.M. - Capitol Hill Police responded to a report of "Edvard Munch-like existentialist screaming" in House conference room H-1409 in the Rayburn Building. Upon investigation, it was determined that the noise was coming from a hearing on bipartisainship chaired jointly by House Democrats and Republicans. A warning was issued.
9:42 A.M. - Capitol Hill Police responded to reports of "an intruder or intruders uknown" in the Longworth Building hearing room of the House sub-committee looking into the recent security breach at a White House state dinner by a couple attempting to qualify for a television game show. The "intruder" turned out to be a small dog brought to the hearing by a committee member. A warning was issued.
10:19 a.m. - Police were called to the senate office of Senator Mary Landrieu after receiving complaints that someone posing as a telephone repairman had offered to "purchase the State of Louisiana if the senator would change her position on national healthcare." Police found no one in the office except for a weasel, which was escorted to the Capitol steps and issued a warning.
10:29 a.m. - Police and firefighters responded to a complaint of a carbon monoxide detector activation in the Congressional Office of Green Jobs in the Dirksen Building. It was found
that a cat had knocked down an exhaust pipe going to the chimney, causing the building to register high CO readings. The windows were opened for ventilation. The cat was taken into custody, as this was found to be its third violation this month. It was released with a warning.
10:53 a.m - Capitol Hill Police responded to a call that a "journalist was seen exiting a vehicle on the front drive and walking toward Pennsylvania Avenue in a peculiar post-racial manner." Upon arrival at the scene, police determined that the suspect was a news anchor from MSNBC. After displaying his credetinals to police, he issued them a warning.
11:02 a.m. - Police and firefighters responded to a complaint of a carbon monoxide detector activation in the Congressional Office of Green Jobs in the Dirksen Building. Nothing was found, but an officer reported seeing "a tail disappear into a vent."
11:15 a.m. - Reports of a "theft of the people's money" sent Capitol Hill Police to a hearing room in the Cannon House Office Building where a conference of the House Banking Committee had convened. Police found committee members chasing a canary around the room with a broom, trying to capture it or shut it up. Police attempted to secure the scene, but the bird escaped through a window that had been left open for ventilation due to high CO readings.
12:03 p.m. - Police responded to the Capitol Cafeteria after reports that an altercation had broken out between a Supreme Court justice and a resident of the White House. Police found nothing unusual. A few minutes later, police were called back to the scene amid reports that a Supreme Court justice was "irate" that a vending machine malfunction resulted in the failure to dispense a Little Debbie® cake. The justice was screaming that he would sue the McKee Foods Corporation (which makes Little Debbie® cakes) for negligence and false advertising and that he was going to "investigate all the political candidates that McKee was contributing to and make sure that they were cut off." A cashier told the justice to "simmer down" or he would get sued for defamation and interfering with McKee's First Amendment rights. The justice explained that he couldn't use the Supreme Court cafeteria, he had to use the Capitol cafeteria because they (the Supreme Court cafeteria) didn't sell Little Debbie® cakes. A warning was issued.
12:43 p.m. - Police were summoned to the Capitol lawn where a man was seen swatting a canary or some kind of small bird that was supposedly attacking him. Upon arrival at the scene, police found a MSNBC reporter trying to strangle a bird. The police offered assistance, but the bird escaped and was seen flying in the direction of the Congressional Office of Green Jobs in the Dirksen Building.
1:19 p.m. - A theft of a shoe was reported in a conference room of the Ford Building. Police responded and discovered that someone had thrown a shoe at a visiting Iraqi trade delegation member when he was at the podium giving a speech. Witnesses said the female suspect looked like a Congressional page who ran off with the shoe, which was described as "a size 6 Prada, black." Police secured the area with yellow tape but found nothing.
2:43 p.m. - A man wearing a tri-cornered hat entered the Capitol Hill Gift Shop and "wanted to know where all the tea was at." When he was told that the gift shop did not sell tea, he began screaming: "No taxation without representation! In fact no taxation at all!" Police responded and asked him to remove his hat while indoors. He complied and then purchased a Little Debbie® cake, paying the 5.75% sales tax pursuant to DC Code Citation: Title 47, Chapters 20 and 22.
3:27 p.m. - Police were called to assist a visiting Boy Scout troop from Iowa that was trying to protect a small bird in the Congressional Office of Green Jobs in the Dirksen Building that had apparently flown in there from the front lawn. A cat was said to be threatening the bird, but when police arrived, there was no sign of the cat. While there, the police noted that the CO levels seemed unusually high. Additional windows were opened for ventilation.
4:53 p.m. - Police investigated a report of a "shadowy figure" entering the Hart Senate Office Building. A woman was found skulking in the corridor. She was asked for some identification. When she opened her jacket to reach for her wallet, a size 6 black Prada shoe fell to the floor. The woman ran off in the direction of the Congressional Office of Green Jobs in the Dirksen Building. Police secured the area and took the shoe into custody.
5:32: p.m. - An anonymous caller claimed that she was holding the House Minority leader's tan hostage until he agreed "to the public option or something." Police located the House Minority leader who said that he was unaware of any threats to his tan. After investigation, police determined that it had been a prank call.
6:18 p.m. - Police responded to the parking garage beneath the Hall of the States following reports of some kind of a drag race. Skid marks were found leading to a car with Alaska plates. The vehicle apparently had been abandoned.
7:46 p.m. Police investigated reports of a pick-up basketball game in the Senate Gym where elbows were allegedly being thrown. Arriving at the scene, police found a resident of the White House playing pick-up basketball with a senator (reportedly from Massachusetts). The officer on the scene took names and addresses and filed a report.
8:22 p.m. - Police responded to the office of the House Minority leader who telephoned to say that someone had just delivered a dead fish to his office. Upon arrival at the scene, police encountered the House Minority leader who showed them a dead fish sitting on his desk wrapped in the Washington Post. No note was attached to the fish, but it had been wrapped in an article about the public option. An officer thought he heard a cat prowling in the hall, but found nothing. Police secured the scene and took photos.
9:15 p.m. - Representatives from the House Banking Committee were seen sprinting down the corridor in the Cannon Office Building. Police on the scene determined that they (the Banking Committee members) were being chased by a gang of reporters. Police escorted the House Banking Committee members to a private, secure undisclosed location so that they could complete their work without interference from the public. A warning was issued to the reporters.
10:23 p.m. A call came in from the Congressional Office of Green Jobs in the Dirksen Building about some kind of "contretemps" involving a cat, a bird, and a small dog. The officer who took the call didn't know what "contretemps" meant so no action was taken. A few minutes later, the caller called back and said there was some kind of a "crazy animal fight" going on in the Congressional Office of Green Jobs in the Dirksen Building. Officers were dispatched to the scene where they found a news anchor from MSNBC who said everything was under control. The officers noted that all the windows had been left open despite the fact that it was 3 degrees outside.
11: 48 p.m. Police responded to reports of an intruder in the Capitol cafeteria after hours. Upon arrival at the scene, officers found a Supreme Court Justice evidently talking to a vending machine. The justice was issued a warning and escorted back to the Supreme Court. He was also handed a schedule of the hours of the Capitol cafeteria.
Brilliant.
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