Election Eve

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Hello?

Mr. Suh-linger?

Excuse me?

Is this Steff Suh-linger?

Close enough.  Who's this?

I'm Calling from the Friends of Martha Coakley Committee to get out the vote for tomorrow's special election to fill the seat for the late Edward Kennedy. Can we count on your vote tomorrow?

You want me to vote for the Friends of Martha Coakley Committee?
Sir, we're hoping we can count on your vote for Martha Coakley.  It's critical that the Democrats retain a 60-seat majority in the senate.

So critical that you have to call during dinner?  We're having liver and onions.

I'm sorry, Mr. Suh-linger.  Should I call back?

Well, you could call back while I'm brushing my teeth, but it probably wouldn't do any good.  Just out of curiosity, why is the Friends of Martha Coakley Committee calling me from Utah?  I thought this was a Massachusetts election.
It's of national importance, sir.  In fact, there has never been so much at stake.

That's what they say every year.  The stakes just keep getting higher. Pretty soon, I won't be able to afford the ante.
Can we count on you to vote, sir?

Sure, sure.  How many times would you like me to vote?
Ha, ha. Just once, sir.

Well, I could vote once as Steff Suh-linger, and once as Seth Salinger, and for good measure, I could also vote as Seth Rogen, or something.
Thank you for your time, sir.

Not at all. Thank you for your time.  Now we're even.
Have a nice evening, sir.

Don't mind if I do.  Why, they're delicious! Have you tried one of these yourself?
Goodbye, sir.

Goodbye, old friend.

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Hello?

Good Evening, Sir.  I'm calling on behalf of Independents for Scott Brown, Republican for U.S. Senate.

Ahh, yes.  I just spoke to your cohort from Salt Lake City not more than a fortnight ago.  In fact, it was a lot less than a fortnight -- it wasn't even a sentry post night.
I see that you're a registered Democrat.

Where? where?  I don't see it.

But you can vote for any party you want in the general election.  And we hope you will consider voting for the true independent in this race -- Scott Brown.  Can we count on your vote?

Well if you can't count on my vote, what can you count on? Nothing gets out the stain like my vote and Oxy-Clean.  These are troubled times we live in and the stakes for this election have never been higher.
Sir, that's exactly what I was going to say.

By the way, ol chap, how's the weather there in sunny California where you appear to be calling me from, 3000 miles away from the polls?
It's fine, sir. This election is of national importance.

Well, here in Massachusetts where the election is actually happening, we got about 3 inches of wet, glazed snow. Heavy as concrete. Almost had a heart attack trying to shovel it.  Then the City plow comes along and pushes it all back in the foot of the driveway.  It's not right, I tell you.  I hope Scott Brown will go to the Congress to give the plow operaters what for.
I'm sure he will, sir.  You have a good night.

I'm full already, but you try one.  They're really good. Sort of like half moons.
Goodnight, sir.

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Hello?

Hello.  I'm calling from the Campaign to Elect Joe Kennedy to fill the seat of the late Senator Edward M. Kennedy.

What did you say your candidate's name was?

Kennedy.

Hmmm.  Catchy name.  And what party is he with?
The Tea Party.

Well, running on the Massachusetts ticket of the Tea Party is probably no picnic.  It's not going to be a cakewalk. The farthest thing from "easy as pie."  No piece of cake for the Tea Party.
No, sir.

That was a joke.  Lighten up.

Oh, yes sir.  Very funny.

And where are you calling me from this fine evening?
Texas, sir.

Of course.  Because, let me guess, this is an election of national importance, the stakes have never been higher, and every vote counts.
Actually, sir, yes.

If I promise to vote for your candidate, will you tell me how the remote works?
I...just wanted to remind you to vote.

Ok, I'll vote.  Kennedy. Odd name.  Imagine, running for political office in Massachusetts with a name like that.  I wonder if it's ever been done before.
Sir, I hope you have a good night.

Don't get me started.
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Hello?
This is president Bill Clinton urging you to vote on Tuesday, January 19 for Democrat Martha Coakley to fill the seat of the late Senator Edward M. Kennedy.  With President Obama's health care agenda on the line, this is a critical election of national importance.  The stakes have never been higher.

President Clinton, is that really you?
So please remember to vote for Democrat, Martha Coakley. The fate of the nation depends on it.

Are you there, Mr. President?
Thank you for your time.

Hello?  Hello?
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Hello?
Hi, Sir.  It's Verizon Wireless calling to invite you to renew your contract and receive the first 30 days free plus an upgrade to a new phone.

Is it a matter of national importance?
Well, not really sir.

Ok, sign me up.