Our Country Write or Left

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We decided to secede and form our own country.  At roughly 5,323 square feet, it would be the smallest country in the world -- smaller even than Lichtenstein.

We needed a flag.  We didn't have one, but we did have an old beach towel emblazoned with the insignia of Avis Rent-a-Car. We hung it out the window to demonstrate our independence.  This is how the motto of our country became: "We try harder."

We thought a constitution would be a good thing to have. Ours was a small country, so we didn't need a long Constitution with a lot of flowery language and Roman numerals. We spotted a promotional announcement and photocopied it. This is how our constitution came to be:

Our country is always:

    * Trustworthy,
    * Loyal,
    * Helpful,
    * Friendly,
    * Courteous,
    * Kind,
    * Obedient,
    * Cheerful,
    * Thrifty,
    * Brave,
    * Clean,
    * and Reverent.

What next? A National bank! We emptied out the Tsedakah box and found some checks, an I.O.U., and what may have once been a paper clip. Better to peg our currency to something else and try to get some foreign investment going. As we had seceded, borrowing a hundred bucks from the neighbor would qualify as foreign investment.

We realized then that we'd need a visa to step foot on our neighbor's driveway. (Making a country is more complicated than it seems.) Of course, he'd need one to step foot on ours -- and we may not let him in if he was on our watch list (which we could make up on the spot, because, it's our country, and we can do what we want).

The thought of our neighbor stepping foot on our driveway put us in mind of mustering a militia, as in days of olde at the rude bridge that arched the flood in Concord. Except that, we didn't have any Minutemen or muskets or horses.  Just a cat who kept the country safe from the threat of birds and mice. We put him out and sent him to the front to scout for possible invasion. 

What to call our country?  How about "Avis?"  It was already on our flag, and it seemed like a natural choice, besides which, it would always pop up near the top in lists of countries.  But not the top.  And that's a problem when you're a small country just starting out.  You need to make a splash.

This is how our country came to be called:  AAAAAAAAAAAArdvark.

Flag, Constitution, fiscal policy, immigration reform, military, name -- what was missing? An anthem. We could commission one, but with a budget stretched to the limit by our efforts to secure the border, we'd have to write one ourselves.

This is how the anthem of our country came to be:

AAAAAAAAAAAArdvark
We try harder!
AAAAAAAAAAAArdvark
Trustworthy,
Obedient,
Cheerful,
Thrifty,
Brave,
and Clean,
AAAAAAAAAAAArdvark
Ok, maybe "brave" is pushing it.

We faxed the sheet music off to the Olympic Committe just in case we ever medaled in something.  Not bloody likely, of course, but it's better to "be prepared," which, as fate would have it, almost became the motto of our country, except that it wasn't already on the flag.

Just as we were pondering this dilemna, we saw our neighbor invading. Where was our armed forces? In retreat? Lost in the woods? Lying in wait?

Suddenly, there was a loud report.  It sounded like gunshots (but, of course, it was really just the neighbor pounding on the window). We opened the door and there stood the ambassador from next door holding our military by the scruff of its neck.

"How many times have I told you to keep this cat off my lawn!?" he demanded.

"Look here," we said.  "We are a sovereign state.  You can't just barge across the boundary line.  You need a passport.  You're probably on a watch list."

He flung the cat into the living room and stormed off towards his homeland.

"We hope this little international incident won't prejudice our request for foreign assistance," we called after him.

But diplomatic relations had not yet been established and the attitude of his government was icy cold, as was the February air. He repatriated without another word.

Having suffered its first defeat, the AAAAAAAAAAAArdvark armed forces regrouped on the couch, where it took a nap.

We retired to the National Assembly (which doubled as the kitchen) and waited for Vanuatu to telephone its recognition.