We Admit that Your Religion is Better; But Ours Comes with a Free, No-Obligation(1) 30-Day Trial.

(With apologies to the Late David Foster Wallace)

You have been pre-selected(2) to apply for membership in our religion. The rewards(3) are great; the requirements are not particularly strenuous; the tenets(4) fit neatly on a laminated wallet-sized card.

You are probably wondering about one or more of the following:

What do we believe in, Hmmmn?(5)

If you try the 30-day trial, you will find out and so much more.(6)

What, exactly, are some of our tenants?(7)

Do we wear funny hats?(8)

After I join, will I still be allowed to speak to my former friends and relatives, i.e. my parents?(9)

Do we eat any special foods?(10)


Do we pray?(11)

What time is it?

By now, you probably have some questions. Not many, because we’ve already asked most of them for you, but perhaps you have a few questions of which we did not think. (See note 5, infra).

Do you have any questions?

In our religion, it’s OK to ask questions. We encourage questions. Questions(12) are healthy. They expand our horizons and help us to grow.

This is why we like to respond to a question with another question, as in the following example:

Question

“I feel directionless. Am I on the wrong path?”

Response

“Is the Pope Catholic?”(13)

What about the 30-Day Trial?(14)

It’s easy to apply.(15)

What if you are not completely satisfied at the end of the 30-day trial?(16)

The smallest journey begins with a single step. You have arrived at your destination.

Today is the day to start your new journey. You can’t start your journey until your old journey comes to an end.(17)

Apply today.(18)

We’re here for you. And vice versa.
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Notes

(1) “Obligation,” of course, is a relative term. In our religion it means keeping your room clean and remembering not to drop the final “g” in words like “bastardizing.” What does it mean in your religion?

(2)  “Pre-selection” and “Pre-approval,” while suggesting similar outcomes, are actually distinct designations. Persons conferred with the status of “pre-approval” are “in-like-Flynn.” Those who have been “pre-selected” will be screened and probed and strung along with a collection of vague representations designed to cause them to suspend, willingly, any disbelief that their acceptance could ever be just around the next corner when, in fact, it is almost certainly several blocks away, and may never come at all.


(3)   Begin earning rewards almost immediately after membership approval. Rewards are freely transferable to other religions, but oddly, not to Heaven.

(4)    That’s “tenets,” by the bye, not “tenants.” A tenant pays the rent; a tenet says that you have to.

(5)     For starters, we believe it is a sin to end a sentence with a preposition. Thus, “Hmmmmn?”

(6)    Try to understand our position. We can’t just, willy-nilly, tell you what we believe in connection with this offer. Let’s say that we told you and you didn’t like what you heard -- you might not join, which would be OK, but still…. Or else, let’s say you’re one of those who think there should be some suspense in life, like, say, not knowing what happens at the end of Romeo and Juliet (My God! They both die!!!?) or where the afikomen is hidden (in the cupboard--where else?), or how Schubert’s “Unfinished Symphony” turns out (yeah, well, that’s kind of the point -- it doesn’t), to what would you have to look forward? (see footnote 5, supra). Not much, frankly. Life, like the fact that some people find giant nose rings attractive, is a big mystery. And that’s how we’d like to keep it.

(7)    Ha! Gotcha!

(8)    Well, let’s just say that if you’ve ever worn a turned-around baseball cap, sweat pants, and socks with sandals to the supermarket (and we know that you have --we saw you), you’ve pretty much forfeited the right to say anything about our hats.

(9)    You speak to your parents?

(10)    Yes, but thank God that cholent is not one of them.

(11)    Everybody prays, even dogs. Have you ever eaten in front of a dog? Of course, it’s not the spiritually uplifting kind of prayer practiced by people (Oh, please let me win the lottery), but it’s still prayer. And nobody prays more than atheists. Mostly they pray that people won’t ask them what they believe in at cocktail parties, because that’s getting pretty tired, already, as are the witticisms: “”What didn’t you get me for Christmas?” Ha Ha Ha. That’s a real knee-slapper alright.


(12)    Answers are nice, too. It’s just that, questions are easier.

(13)     This is an example, only. You already knew that the Pope is Catholic, right? And then you say “Of course. Why do you ask?” See how it works?

(14)    What about it?

(15)    It’s always easy to apply, isn’t it? When was the last time someone said: “It’s hard to apply. It will give you a migraine headache and make you nauseous.” You would be much less likely to apply wouldn’t you? Even if they said: “It’s not really all that hard to apply, but it’s still a pain in the ass,” you’d probably still be dissuaded. No. Better to say “it’s easy to apply.” Studies show that people who think it’s easy to apply are much more likely to do so than those who think that by applying they are will end up with their head in the toilet.

(16)    As we said, it’s easy to apply.

(17)    Some journeys may experience periods of sluggish or unresponsive performance. It may be necessary to restart these journeys.


(18)   What’s the worst that could happen? That you will find out when it’s all over that this was the wrong religion and you’re going to hell?