Posts
Intro
Remember: The phrase is “it is an honor for me to be here.” Not “You are honored for me to be here.” Need mnemonic device to get it right this time: IIAHFMTBH? Maybe it looks too Russian. Work on it.
Possible Themes:
(a) 6th grade. WOW!
(b) Be proud of your academic achievements, slight though they may be.
(c) Tough job market out there for a 10-year old in a global recession. But with rugged individualism and entrepreneurial spirit, lemonade turns a quick profit. (Are they too young to be traffic jam squeegee people? Need some research on this).
(d) Here’s a popular one: “Consider taking a year off and traveling around town before starting a new class year. Your experiences will be as invaluable as anything you can get from a book, and can help keep class sizes and property taxes down for others.” This will appeal to the slackers of which there will be no small number. Maybe this is a sub-theme, but will help establish you, the speaker, as in tune with their confused emotions. No one else understands them.
Names
Scan the audience but never, never make actual eye contact with anyone. This is deadly. Study how the President does it during his speeches. Steely but cool. Try to remember someone’s name to connect on personal level. If impossible, have fallback names. For boy: " Jacob." For girl: "Taylor." There’s one in every crowd. They won’t know the difference.
Spice up with Jokes
Nothing crude. Are jokes about dead languages OK? Check with someone. No light bulb jokes! Probably won’t bring house down, but need to play it safe. 5th graders are easily offended and notoriously litigious.
Nod to Class Valedictorian
Don't over-do it. They came to hear you; not this little shit. Say "nice job," or whatever, and move on. Let's have no pampering.
Hip References
Got to convince them that you have finger on pulse of popular culture. This is HUGE. Otherwise will lose audience. Note to self: pick up some magazines and STUDY. STUDY. STUDY. What do kids read these days, anyway? Vonnegut? We’ll figure it out.
Inspirational Message
With money, stellar looks, connections, and undeserved good luck, you can do anything!
Acknowledgments
Don’t forget to thank parents/guardians/siblings, cafeteria staff, janitor, hall monitor, crossing guard, bus driver, principal, school board, and 3rd world indentured servants who assembled the lunchboxes and sewed the in-vogue falling down baggy pants they can't seem to get enough of. Without that last bunch, these brats would all be hungry, naked, and stupid.
Safety Announcement
Too young for sex and drugs. What hazards threaten them at this stage? “Hey kids, never text while skateboarding.” Lame. Work on this.
Personal Reflection
Don’t sugarcoat it!!! 6th grade is tough! To prepare for the rigors, these kids should run 2 miles at dawn, do one-armed push-ups, and take cold showers -- as you did when their age. But, No. The crybaby P.C. crowd will put the kibosh on this. What life experience would be instructive for this group? Think! Think! Discovering personal grooming? OK, never mind. come back to it.
Closing Thoughts
“As you go forth…” NO!!! hackneyed. Avoid this phrase like the plague with a capital PL. Instead; “And so my fellow ex 5th graders...” (This should get big laughs). Connect language lesson with sense of obligation: “Alma Mater” means place that will be shilling for your donations the moment you walk out the door, and then for the rest of your life. Get used to it. Builds loyalty AND endowments.
IMPORTANT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Don’t forget to announce to these clowns that the speech is protected by copyright and other intellectual property laws. No recording devices. No exceptions. Let’s not have a repeat of that ugly scene from last year. Especially if they expect you to stick it out on the primary school commencement speech lecture circuit. It is their honor to have you, after all, considering the competing offer to say a few words at the conclusion of the Pilates class.
Remember: The phrase is “it is an honor for me to be here.” Not “You are honored for me to be here.” Need mnemonic device to get it right this time: IIAHFMTBH? Maybe it looks too Russian. Work on it.
Possible Themes:
(a) 6th grade. WOW!
(b) Be proud of your academic achievements, slight though they may be.
(c) Tough job market out there for a 10-year old in a global recession. But with rugged individualism and entrepreneurial spirit, lemonade turns a quick profit. (Are they too young to be traffic jam squeegee people? Need some research on this).
(d) Here’s a popular one: “Consider taking a year off and traveling around town before starting a new class year. Your experiences will be as invaluable as anything you can get from a book, and can help keep class sizes and property taxes down for others.” This will appeal to the slackers of which there will be no small number. Maybe this is a sub-theme, but will help establish you, the speaker, as in tune with their confused emotions. No one else understands them.
Names
Scan the audience but never, never make actual eye contact with anyone. This is deadly. Study how the President does it during his speeches. Steely but cool. Try to remember someone’s name to connect on personal level. If impossible, have fallback names. For boy: " Jacob." For girl: "Taylor." There’s one in every crowd. They won’t know the difference.
Spice up with Jokes
Nothing crude. Are jokes about dead languages OK? Check with someone. No light bulb jokes! Probably won’t bring house down, but need to play it safe. 5th graders are easily offended and notoriously litigious.
Nod to Class Valedictorian
Don't over-do it. They came to hear you; not this little shit. Say "nice job," or whatever, and move on. Let's have no pampering.
Hip References
Got to convince them that you have finger on pulse of popular culture. This is HUGE. Otherwise will lose audience. Note to self: pick up some magazines and STUDY. STUDY. STUDY. What do kids read these days, anyway? Vonnegut? We’ll figure it out.
Inspirational Message
With money, stellar looks, connections, and undeserved good luck, you can do anything!
Acknowledgments
Don’t forget to thank parents/guardians/siblings, cafeteria staff, janitor, hall monitor, crossing guard, bus driver, principal, school board, and 3rd world indentured servants who assembled the lunchboxes and sewed the in-vogue falling down baggy pants they can't seem to get enough of. Without that last bunch, these brats would all be hungry, naked, and stupid.
Safety Announcement
Too young for sex and drugs. What hazards threaten them at this stage? “Hey kids, never text while skateboarding.” Lame. Work on this.
Personal Reflection
Don’t sugarcoat it!!! 6th grade is tough! To prepare for the rigors, these kids should run 2 miles at dawn, do one-armed push-ups, and take cold showers -- as you did when their age. But, No. The crybaby P.C. crowd will put the kibosh on this. What life experience would be instructive for this group? Think! Think! Discovering personal grooming? OK, never mind. come back to it.
Closing Thoughts
“As you go forth…” NO!!! hackneyed. Avoid this phrase like the plague with a capital PL. Instead; “And so my fellow ex 5th graders...” (This should get big laughs). Connect language lesson with sense of obligation: “Alma Mater” means place that will be shilling for your donations the moment you walk out the door, and then for the rest of your life. Get used to it. Builds loyalty AND endowments.
IMPORTANT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Don’t forget to announce to these clowns that the speech is protected by copyright and other intellectual property laws. No recording devices. No exceptions. Let’s not have a repeat of that ugly scene from last year. Especially if they expect you to stick it out on the primary school commencement speech lecture circuit. It is their honor to have you, after all, considering the competing offer to say a few words at the conclusion of the Pilates class.
I'm actually giving a 5th grade commencement speech next month. Thanks for the tips!
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