YOUR HAGGADAH INSERT (Why is this Nut-job Different from all other Nut-jobs?)

The 4 Questions From the Randy’s Discount Herring in Wine-Like Sauce Label

1. On all other nights, we need not dip even once, but on this night why not dip everything in Randy’s Kosher-For-Passover Discount Extra Salty Wine-Like Sauce®?

2. On all other nights, we eat chametz or matzah, tonight, why not matzah -- accompanied, of course by Randy’s Kosher-For-Passover Discount Herring in Wine-Like Sauce®?

3. On all other nights, we eat any kind of vegetable and on this night, why not maror (which we make tolerable by mixing in plenty of Randy’s Kosher-For-Passover Discount Maror Helper in Wine-Like Sauce®)?

4. On all other nights, we eat sitting upright. On this night, why do we eat reclining? And why not? Everybody’s feelin’ Randy! This Pesach, tell Ma and your bubbe to get plenty of extra. The whole Meshpucha’s coming over!

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The Maggid of the Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaardvark Civil Liberties Union

We were slaves once in the land of Egypt, but G-d brought us forth from there with an outstretched arm and a mighty hand. Now we ourselves have become the enslavers. We have exploited the undocumented slackers, infringed the liberties of atheists and wife-swappers, and failed to Mirandize the neighbor’s enemy combatant pets. To free ourselves of the cycle of enslaver and enslaved, we are commanded to regard ourselves as being in Mitzrayim, just as our ancestors were, and to flee the inclination to oppression, just as our ancestors did, right after they stole all the silverware.
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Pincus Ming Mandelbaum’s Dayenu

If they had charged for the first bag, but allowed the second bag to fly free,

--dayenu!

If they had made parents traveling with small screaming children to sit in the way back behind a screen,

--dayenu!

If they had arrested and prosecuted the selfish morons who tried to stuff over-sized duffle bags in the limited overhead bin space,

--dayenu!

If we hadn‘t sat on the tarmac for 2 hours,

--dayenu!

If the person who kept jamming his knees in the back of my seat had developed a full-body rash,

--dayenu!

If they had found the slob who failed to grasp the meaning of the pictogram on the toilet in the lavatory of the paper towels in a circle with a diagonal red line through it, and pushed him out of the plane,

--dayenu!

If the sound on the headset had worked,

--dayenu!

If I hadn’t gotten on the wrong flight and ended up 3,000 miles away from my intended destination,

--dayenu!


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The 10 Plagues of Recent Memory From: “The Whimsical Reconstructionist Haggadah -- Suggested Readings”

(dip your pinky finger in your wine cup and sprinkle a little wine on your plate and a little in your neighbor’s lap with the recitation of each plague.)

1. People who say “as far as” instead of “as far as that is concerned,” as in: “As far as matzah, I could go egg or plain.”
2. “Gimme back that filet-o-fish/ Gimme that fish”
3. Public radio fund-raisers
4. Texting while driving
5. Cattle disease (C’mon, gotta have cattle disease!)
6. Never-ending winter (global warming notwithstanding)
7. Spam (all kinds)
8. Spoiled kitties, who are never full -- no matter what
9. potholes
10. Death of the cell phone battery

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Surgeon General’s Warning:

The Surgeon General Has determined that hiding the afikoman between the cushions on the couch could attract lint, cat hair, and other substances not suitable for human ingestion, although, it could also result in the discovery of small change or old Hanukah gelt.

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A Closing Prayer From the BBC

The Seder now ends in accordance with Halachic Law, provided there is no conflict with the rules of the Geneva Convention,
Complete in key details, but omitting celebrations of colonialist aggression

As far as the Children of Israel, aspirations of Zion should be maintained within internationally-recognized borders
With joyful song -- spruced up with Sabar Wolof, the Dance Drumming of Senegal,

Let those of us in the politically-aware Diaspora proclaim:

NEXT YEAR IN THE PARTS OF JERUSALEM NOT INFLAMING THE PASSIONS OF THE UNITED NATIONS HUMAN RIGHTS COMMISSION -- SUCH AS THE CROWNE PLAZA.


Happy Pesach from HIYLH