In a Parallel Universe, I’m a Very Big Deal

Case Study #1

A woman hands me $15,000 and says, “How do you do?  ”

“That’s a fine How do y’do,” I says.  “Where did you get it?”

“From trees,” she says. 

“I wish I had an apple,” says I.

“You think it’s so easy?” she says.

Case Study #2

I fall asleep and dream that I have a day job where I talk on the phone a lot and file things, and sometimes rearrange the papers on the desk so that the most horrible ones are in the middle instead of the bottom.  I wake up at my desk and realize that it was all a dream.


Case Study #3

On a wee jaunt to the Super Existentialist Market to stock up on Ring Gels® and macaroons, I have some time on my hands waiting my turn to pay in the “500 Items or Fewer” checkout lane.  My eye catches the title of a tabloid news story and refuses to release it.  The headline reads: “PROOF OF LIFE BEFORE DEATH.”  I feel reassured.
 
Case Study #4

Everywhere I go, everyone knows my name, and I don’t know theirs. 

“You’re famous,” I say to my reflection in the mirror.

“Do I know you?” responds my reflection.

Case Study # 5

A form arrives in the mail (which is in and of itself a miracle) from the government. I am supposed to check a box to identify myself as either an absurdist or a dada-ist.

“What a dada thing to ask someone,” I think.

“Aha!” exclaims my reflection.

“Do I know you?” I ask.

Case Study # 6

I can’t think of where to go on vacation so I travel back in time to a debate about slavery at the Constitutional Convention in Philadelphia in 1787.  I try to blend in, but I’m the only one not wearing stockings and shoes with big buckles.

Plus, it won’t stop raining.

Case Study # 7

Someone rushes up to me while I’m trying to negotiate a hot dog vendor’s price in a downwardly direction.

“Help me take our country back!” he shouts.

“OK!”  I shout back.  “Where does it go?”

 Case Study # 8

I am up in the middle of the night watching television. An advertisement comes on for the “Amazing Door Opener Assistant” for only $19.99.  I act now and order 17 of them, because I just hate the fuss of turning door handles. 

Case Study # 9

I try to write a novel, but don’t make it past the second page.

I have to wonder:  “Why can’t I ever finish anything that I sta…