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If we get $15, 0000 in the next hour, our station manager and our program director will have sex live on the radio! This is the kind of programming you can’t hear anywhere else.
You are so right Jill: For a contribution of $365 (that’s less than a dollar a day in a leap year) we’ll send you a full color calendar featuring candid photos of our station manager and our program director. These never-before-seen photos have never before been seen, not even by our station manager and our program director!
You said it Jack: Think of how much public radio and WLOL mean to you. From the moment you wake up until the moment you go to bed (or wherever you sleep) we’re there begging for money, but in a way that makes you think. Can a commercial radio station say that?
I couldn’t have said it better myself, Jill: Where else can you hear shows like “Radio Rain Forest” in which we bring you the sounds of larvae hatching while our intrepid correspondent whispers breathlessly into the microphone, barely able to contain his excitement as a snail lumbers onto a nearby twig?
Not only that, Jack: But where else can you hear shows like “The Kibbitzer” with Rhoda Feldman -- where Rhoda just sits around and kibbitzes with whoever happens to stumble into the studio that day? And when no one else is around, Rhoda kibbitzes with herself and sometimes just drums her fingers on the table to the rhythm of the songs of yesteryear. You wouldn’t be able to hear this anyplace else unless you went over to Rhoda’s house and sat around her kitchen table, and how could you do that if you don’t even know where she lives?
Right you are, Jill: Only public radio has what it takes to bring you the kind of news stories that cause you to look deep inside your soul, lay bare your innermost greed, and make you feel over-privileged and guilty for the rest of the day. Why? Because we care. We care deeply about our commitment to asking you to donate.
That’s right Jack: Which is what we’re doing right now. Because it takes a lot of resources to stay on the air even for one day. Even for two days!
Ditto, Jill, ditto: You know, the word “resources” is really just the word “money,” but spelled with different letters and containing an extra syllable. So that’s why we’re asking you to go to your phones right now (unless you walk around all the time with one of those phone earpieces that make you look like a cyborg, in which case, of course, you don’t have to go to your phone -- as you pretty much are a phone) and dial 1-888-GIV-CASH.
You got that right, Jack: Every little bit helps. But big bits help even more. And really huge bits are the best. And here’s another thing. Your contribution is fully tax-deductible. So think about it. If you only give a chincy little bit, you’ll only get to deduct a chincy little bit. But if you give, say, a really huge bit, that’s how much you’ll get to deduct. And there’s no limit on how much you can give! We need to raise $123,000 in the next 30 days, so if you give that much, that’s how much you get to deduct! Don’t just think about it, do it now, while we‘re haranguing you! Give $123,000 today and end our spring fund drive early.
Good call, Jill: We do have some gifts for the first ten callers who -- although they refuse to contribute $123,000 -- nevertheless, are willing to donate some pittance. For the first ten of you who call to pledge $180, we have a very fine collection of soaps and mini shampoos hand-collected by our station manager and our program director during their many daytime visits to area hotels over the last year. If you are the eleventh caller, you will be plumb out of luck. So better act fast.
Thanks, Jack: And thanks, also to Miriam’s Dog Taggery for donating customized dog tags to be sent to the first 30 lucky callers who pledge at least $36. These tags are especially great for people who have a dog named “Waffles,” as well as for people who like waffles.
Mmmm mmmmm, I sure like waffles, Jill: Which reminds me; if you listen to this station on a regular basis and you never make a pledge, it’s no different than walking into a convenience store, eating a package of Little Debbie Cakes® and then walking out without paying. It’s stealing, plain and simple, and it raises the price of Little Debbie Cakes® for the rest of us.
Great analogy, Jack: I couldn’t have said it better myself had I said it myself. In fact, even if you’re just randomly trolling the airwaves for klezmer or gansta rap or suchlike, and you inadvertently land on our station just for a few moments, you’re still sucking up precious resources, a/k/a money, and if you don’t pay for these moments, it’s a misdemeanor. The law is quite clear on this.
Very true, Jill: Very true. Many of you think that we get all the funding we need from the government. NEWS FLASH! (We can say that, because we’re a radio station). After the government is done picking up the tab for two simultaneous wars, socialized health care, the Wall Street bailouts, the auto-maker bailouts, and propping up a post office that nobody uses any more because nobody actually reads or writes letters, there is essentially nothing left over for us. So it is up to you, the inadvertently listening public. You are the “public” in public radio. And we are the “radio in public radio.” Without you, we’d just be radio. And you’d be…well, I don’t want to say it.
My thoughts, exactly, Jack: Allow us to put it to you this way. Public radio is a big f*****g deal. Even the vice president of the United States knows that. We’re always there for you and now we’re asking you to be there for us, because we’re always there for you.
Jill: you hit the nail on the head. We’re like the drip, drip, drip of a leaky faucet -- on incessantly night and day in the background until you develop a nervous tic. This is your public radio, provided that you pay for it and don’t try to mooch.
Y’know, Jack: You can also give on-line at www.wlol.org. Just click on the “donate $123,000 now” button.
Wonderful Jill: Before we go back to our regular schedule, we’d like to thank our phone volunteers on loan from the county work-release program. And a special thanks to whoever brought in all those packages of Little Debbie Cakes® for the phone volunteers. Didn’t see a receipt in the bag, by the way, heh, heh, heh.
One more thing, Jack: We’ll be back unannounced at irregular intervals throughout the day with some more fund-raising, so don’t even think about trying to turn the volume down, because you never know when we’re going to come back on or for how long, and if you try to mute us you might miss something good.
You are so right Jill: For a contribution of $365 (that’s less than a dollar a day in a leap year) we’ll send you a full color calendar featuring candid photos of our station manager and our program director. These never-before-seen photos have never before been seen, not even by our station manager and our program director!
You said it Jack: Think of how much public radio and WLOL mean to you. From the moment you wake up until the moment you go to bed (or wherever you sleep) we’re there begging for money, but in a way that makes you think. Can a commercial radio station say that?
I couldn’t have said it better myself, Jill: Where else can you hear shows like “Radio Rain Forest” in which we bring you the sounds of larvae hatching while our intrepid correspondent whispers breathlessly into the microphone, barely able to contain his excitement as a snail lumbers onto a nearby twig?
Not only that, Jack: But where else can you hear shows like “The Kibbitzer” with Rhoda Feldman -- where Rhoda just sits around and kibbitzes with whoever happens to stumble into the studio that day? And when no one else is around, Rhoda kibbitzes with herself and sometimes just drums her fingers on the table to the rhythm of the songs of yesteryear. You wouldn’t be able to hear this anyplace else unless you went over to Rhoda’s house and sat around her kitchen table, and how could you do that if you don’t even know where she lives?
Right you are, Jill: Only public radio has what it takes to bring you the kind of news stories that cause you to look deep inside your soul, lay bare your innermost greed, and make you feel over-privileged and guilty for the rest of the day. Why? Because we care. We care deeply about our commitment to asking you to donate.
That’s right Jack: Which is what we’re doing right now. Because it takes a lot of resources to stay on the air even for one day. Even for two days!
Ditto, Jill, ditto: You know, the word “resources” is really just the word “money,” but spelled with different letters and containing an extra syllable. So that’s why we’re asking you to go to your phones right now (unless you walk around all the time with one of those phone earpieces that make you look like a cyborg, in which case, of course, you don’t have to go to your phone -- as you pretty much are a phone) and dial 1-888-GIV-CASH.
You got that right, Jack: Every little bit helps. But big bits help even more. And really huge bits are the best. And here’s another thing. Your contribution is fully tax-deductible. So think about it. If you only give a chincy little bit, you’ll only get to deduct a chincy little bit. But if you give, say, a really huge bit, that’s how much you’ll get to deduct. And there’s no limit on how much you can give! We need to raise $123,000 in the next 30 days, so if you give that much, that’s how much you get to deduct! Don’t just think about it, do it now, while we‘re haranguing you! Give $123,000 today and end our spring fund drive early.
Good call, Jill: We do have some gifts for the first ten callers who -- although they refuse to contribute $123,000 -- nevertheless, are willing to donate some pittance. For the first ten of you who call to pledge $180, we have a very fine collection of soaps and mini shampoos hand-collected by our station manager and our program director during their many daytime visits to area hotels over the last year. If you are the eleventh caller, you will be plumb out of luck. So better act fast.
Thanks, Jack: And thanks, also to Miriam’s Dog Taggery for donating customized dog tags to be sent to the first 30 lucky callers who pledge at least $36. These tags are especially great for people who have a dog named “Waffles,” as well as for people who like waffles.
Mmmm mmmmm, I sure like waffles, Jill: Which reminds me; if you listen to this station on a regular basis and you never make a pledge, it’s no different than walking into a convenience store, eating a package of Little Debbie Cakes® and then walking out without paying. It’s stealing, plain and simple, and it raises the price of Little Debbie Cakes® for the rest of us.
Great analogy, Jack: I couldn’t have said it better myself had I said it myself. In fact, even if you’re just randomly trolling the airwaves for klezmer or gansta rap or suchlike, and you inadvertently land on our station just for a few moments, you’re still sucking up precious resources, a/k/a money, and if you don’t pay for these moments, it’s a misdemeanor. The law is quite clear on this.
Very true, Jill: Very true. Many of you think that we get all the funding we need from the government. NEWS FLASH! (We can say that, because we’re a radio station). After the government is done picking up the tab for two simultaneous wars, socialized health care, the Wall Street bailouts, the auto-maker bailouts, and propping up a post office that nobody uses any more because nobody actually reads or writes letters, there is essentially nothing left over for us. So it is up to you, the inadvertently listening public. You are the “public” in public radio. And we are the “radio in public radio.” Without you, we’d just be radio. And you’d be…well, I don’t want to say it.
My thoughts, exactly, Jack: Allow us to put it to you this way. Public radio is a big f*****g deal. Even the vice president of the United States knows that. We’re always there for you and now we’re asking you to be there for us, because we’re always there for you.
Jill: you hit the nail on the head. We’re like the drip, drip, drip of a leaky faucet -- on incessantly night and day in the background until you develop a nervous tic. This is your public radio, provided that you pay for it and don’t try to mooch.
Y’know, Jack: You can also give on-line at www.wlol.org. Just click on the “donate $123,000 now” button.
Wonderful Jill: Before we go back to our regular schedule, we’d like to thank our phone volunteers on loan from the county work-release program. And a special thanks to whoever brought in all those packages of Little Debbie Cakes® for the phone volunteers. Didn’t see a receipt in the bag, by the way, heh, heh, heh.
One more thing, Jack: We’ll be back unannounced at irregular intervals throughout the day with some more fund-raising, so don’t even think about trying to turn the volume down, because you never know when we’re going to come back on or for how long, and if you try to mute us you might miss something good.
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