Turn-by-Turn Directions

1. Back out of your driveway and start going north. (You will know you are going north if the sun is setting to your left). Or, if you are driving at night, you will know you are going north if you pursue the direction of the north star (this is the prominent pole star that lies closest in the sky to the north celestial pole and which appears [approximately] directly overhead to an observer at the Earth's North Pole, i.e. "Polaris," which lies about two thirds of a degree from the north celestial pole, at the end of the "bob" of the Little Dipper asterism in the constellation Ursa Minor). If it is not possible to discern either the setting sun or the north star, you may judge whether you are going north by holding a finger out your car window stretched upward to catch the breeze of the north wind. This is a wind that blows from a northerly origin in a southerly direction a/k/a "Boreas." In Greek mythology, Boreas was the god of the north wind and bringer of cold winter air. (Brrrrrrrrrrrr!)

If neither the setting sun, nor the north star, nor Boreas (the "north" wind) are at your disposal, you may ascertain north by witnessing the Aurora Borealis. As you will have now deduced, the Aurora Borealis are known in the vernacular as the "Northern Lights" but in parts of Quebec as "les aurores boréales." If, by some unfortunate circumstance, you have no access to the setting sun, or the north star, or the north wind, or the northern lights, you may still determine whether you are headed north by reading one of the literally hundreds of thousands of road signs that are posted conveniently along the highways and byways of North America (except in Massachusetts). These signs, as a rule, indicate, not only the name of the road you happen to be traversing, but also the direction you are going. Thus, for example, if you spot a sign which reads "I-95 South," you will almost certainly have a clear indication that you are not going north, at which point, it would be prudent to determine the approximate direction of the setting sun. (On Cape Cod, direction can be determined by ignoring altogether indications of "north," "south," "east," or "west," dividing by 2 and adding 6. Thus, if a sign should read "Route 6 East, Provincetown," you will know that you are, in fact, driving around in circles.

2. At the end of the block, turn right. (You will know you are going right because, in fact, the road itself turns to the right and it is not possible to go in any other direction unless you back up, which is not advised, because of the spikes on the ground placed there by the evil car rental company to ruin your tires should you decide, in a fit of exuberance, to back up).

3. Continue straight (turning neither to the left, nor to the right, nor to the north) for precisely 1,397 feet. While some wags may find it amusing to bring a 12-inch ruler along and stop and start the car 1,397 times to place the ruler on the pavement so as to mark same with chalk to arrive at absolute 1,397 feet, this has proved to be needlessly time-consuming and painful. In fact, you will know you have gone precisely 1,397 feet if you have sung the first 4 bars of "Alice's Restaurant" while maintaining a steady speed of 3 miles per hour. As soon as you have sung: "da-da-da-da-da-da-da-dahhhhh, Alice's Restaurant," you will have arrived at your destination. Another way to tell that you have gone precisely 1,397 feet is that a large brick wall with a brightly painted logo bearing the legend "Lil' Peach Convenience Store," will prevent you from proceeding any further. You have arrived at your destination. (Do not back up!)

4. Next time, consider walking, as you surely need the exercise.


Approximate distance: 2,398 feet.

Approximate drive time (not using the ruler method): 3.5 minutes.

Approximate number of times the word "approximate" has been used in these directions: 4

Approximate number of times the word "approximate" has been used ever since the beginning of the world: 3,457,895,235,982.

Approximate number of people who have read these directions (not counting the person who wrote them): 0.