Sponge Bob Square Pants 1999-2009

Reuters -- Bikini Bottom
Sept. 30, 2009



SpongeBob SquarePants, the Nickelodean network personality, popular with minivan television viewers, died today after a brief illness at his home in Bikini Bottom. He was 10 years old. The cause of death was "overexposure," according to his publicist.

Schmuel "Spongy" Pinsky was born May 1, 1999 in the mind of artist, animator and former marine biologist Stephen Hillenburg, who quickly changed Schmuel's name to Sponge Bob, because he thought "Schmuel Pinsky" "sounded too Irish."

SquarePants was a hyperactive, energetic, and optimistic sea sponge (although his appearance more closely resembled a well-worn kitchen sponge) who lived in a pineapple under the sea. His pet snail, Gary, was said to be in seclusion upon hearing the news of Bob's death.

The Krusty Krab fast-food restaurant, where SpongeBob worked as a successful fry cook, was doing a brisk business late today with lines of curiously morbid sea creatures 3 deep stretching out the door and into the sand. (Squidward Tentacles, a Bob neighbor, widely believed to have disliked SpongeBob for his alleged child-like behavior, told reporters he would refrain from playing his clarinet for a week out of respect for Bob and would take a brief leave of absence from his job as a cashier at The Krusty Krab).

There was a similar scene outside Bob's pineapple, and the authorities had a difficult time keeping crowds at bay, as the police tape with which they hoped to create a buffer zone kept floating up to the surface or dissolving. SpongeBob's neighbor and best friend, Patrick, a pink starfish who lives under a rock, told reporters that he hoped to "clean up" selling autographs and other Sponge momentos. In an interview, he alternated between crying and counting the loose change at his autograph table.

SquarePants never married and it was not immediately clear whether he had any heirs. Assertions by some social conservatives that SquarePants was a "gay icon" who had an unexplained relationship with Patrick were vociferously denied by Nickelodean several years ago, but the charges persist. Sandy Cheeks, a land squirrel from Texas, long reputed to have been "in a relationship" with SpongeBob could not be reached at her home in an underwater dome in Bikini Bottom. Rumors about an amphibious hybrid squirrel-sponge child fathered by SquarePants following an affair with Cheeks spread both under water and above ground as news of Bob's death reached the masses.

The identity of a SquarePants heir would be a matter of no small import. At his death, SquarePants was said to be worth billions of dollars, and he appeared to be everywhere: from television to movies to Happy Meals and Jolly Green Giant cans.

Plans for a memorial service were still underway at press time. Eugene Krabs, founder and owner of The Krusty Krab said that he would probably host an event "provided people didn't try to eat too much free grub." There was no word on whether Krab would invite Sheldon Plankton owner of the fast-food restaurant, "The Chum Bucket" across the street from The Krusty Krab, but a Krusty Krab waitress said that was unlikely.

NOTE TO KIDS:

Don't cry. It's just a silly joke. SpongeBob isn't really dead; he's fine.

Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy are all dead, though.