Screwing Around with the Declaration of Independence

When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to stretch the rubber bands which have connected them with another, and to assume that the powers of the earth know what the hell they are talking about, the separate and equal Plessy v. Fergusson train station to which nature and nature's God cry out "cuckoo, cuckoo," a decent respect to the opinions of anonymous Internet cowards requires that they should declare the causes which compel them to wear wigs and stockings and write things down with quill pens.

We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal, but after that only the well-endowed (by their Creator) get the hottest chicks not to mention certain unalienable rights, such as life, liberty and the pursuit of foxes. That to secure these rights, governments are instituted among men, driving them insane with power, irrespective of the consent of the governed. That whenever any form of government becomes destructive to these ends, it is the right of the people to re-elect it. Prudence will dictate that governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes. (Prudence is a dictator). Accordingly all experience hath shown that mankind are more disposed to suffer through insufferable speeches than to change the channel if the remote but be out of reach. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such government, and to provide new guards for their future security. -- (What does this mean, exactly? Who knows? But it sounds good, don't it?) Such has been the patient sufferance of these colonies (can't get to the remote); and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former systems of government. The history of the present Monarch of Great Britain is a history oft repeated on the History Channel.

We, therefore, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do solemnly publish and declare, that we are, and of right ought to be free and independent and that, having most of our wits about us, and with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence (but not Prudence -- Prudence is a dictator), we mutually pledge to each other our lives, our fortunes and our sacred honor.

And so, let us eat.