The Case of the [means the same as "very tired"] Dog

While his master has been looking the other way, some gargantuan dog has been doing his business at the same spot on the gravel path in front of the house for the past 2 weeks in the wee, wee hours before the dawn. The owner is a cretin who laughs in the face of his civic duty, a criminal who must be found, arrested, and prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. The dog is innocent. 

All manner of retaliation stands at the ready, but it remains idle and, hence, useless until the culprit has been identified. The police have not dubbed the mystery dog walker the “Hillside Dump and Runner” but they might were they ever to read their mail or return a phone call or even spare a cruiser for an hour or so to engage in some forensics, which, apparently they will not do owing to budget considerations and the near-religious failure of this household, year-after-year during the annual fund drive, to tape an envelope to the front door containing a check made payable to the Policeman’s Benevolent Association, despite repeated promises that this would be done. Ergo, vigilantism is in the offing. If the cops don’t want to go after this thug, we will do it ourselves.

Devising commensurate penalties has used practically no brain cells whatsoever. Punishment, when it comes, will be cruel. It will be unusual. It will fit the crime like a glove (fitting a hand for which it has been professionally sized). But until the tortfeasor is revealed, it will be on ice. Thus, the only question is how to catch the perpetrator in flagantre excremento. All options must be considered. As of the date of this report, the following methods have been determined to be not optimal:

Method #1
The Puppy Cam

A small video camera, artfully camouflaged and suspended from a tree branch adjacent to the crime scene, seemed a promising notion when first conceived. Exquisite in execution, the plan’s undoing came in the body of a squirrel who, while knocking the device out of position, still managed to film himself dining. Though the film had no evidentiary value, it, nonetheless, proved a fitting supplement to the evening’s entertainment. And now we know what squirrels fancy for lunch.

Method #2
The Footprint Mold

A lump of thin soft clay was skillfully interwoven with the surrounding soil to give the impression of clay, not clay purchased at a home garden center and skillfully interwoven with the surrounding soil, but rather clay occurring naturally after, say, a cataclysmic flood or a volcanic eruption. In this way, it was hoped, suspicion would not be aroused. Because Dog Doe [not his real name] has been hitting precisely the same target, the clay was to be located on either side thereof such that, regardless of whether the hominid walked to the left or to the right of the canine, he would, inevitably, step somewhere on the trap, creating a print that could then be preserved and sent to the state crime lab for analysis.

A sample was, indeed, obtained in this manner. As planned, it was transmitted to the state crime lab, which, in a display of governmental efficiency, confirmed the make-up of the sample as follows: “clay.” A refund is being relentlessly pursued.

Method #3

The Tent

Stakes were driven into the soil at 45-degree angles about 8 feet from the impact site. Plastic sheathing was then overspread all about and lashed to poles with a quantity of sturdy nylon rope. The whole was then affixed to the stakes in a flailing kind of movement reminiscent of a powerful spasm or electric shock therapy. After the contraption collapsed in a heap, a trip to the store to purchase a tent and the hiring of an independent contractor to assemble it ensued. The idea was to be embedded with the [rhymes with “troops“] -- to stay up all night in a sleeping bag armed with a flashlight and a disposable camera. During the stakeout, the following diary entries were recorded:

Fell asleep sometime between 0-100 hours and 0-103 hours ZULU. Awoke with cat on head. Kicked him out and closed the flap more tightly. At 0-103.5 hours KALAHARI, rain in the form of a deluge made its presence known. At 0-103.55 hours MASSAI, the cat, being a neutered male and, therefore, not capable of being in heat, howled as though in heat, but actually just demanding to be admitted. Shortly thereafter, the cat was admitted on the condition that he not drag his wet tail all over everything, a condition promptly unmet in its entirety. At 0-143 hours NAPHTALI, a moose or a huge rabbit rustled the ground nearby starling the cat and causing him to claw the interior of the tent and scream in a desperate attempt to escape. At 0-144 hours ZEBULUN, rain was admitted to the interior of the tent (involuntarily). At 0-145 hours ISSACHAR, an attempt to re-enter the house failed because it was locked and the keys had been changed. Returned to the tent at 0-147 hours GAD. The Cat took up a position under the car. Fell asleep (duration unknown). Awoke to scratching and digging sounds. Went through the 5 stages of waking up and gradually recalled surroundings and purpose of lying in wet tent. After what seemed like 7 minutes (but was probably no more than 6), stumbled outside and saw two shadowy figures disappear around the corner into the fog: one was decidedly a dog. Returned to camp to discover that the target had been attacked sometime during the night. The cat had abandoned his post. Retrieved a shovel from the shed.

Method #4

The Sign

An Abandoned tent pole was commandeered and pressed into service at the site to stand in for a sign post. A crude message was penned on a piece of cardboard and taped to the post. It read: “WE KNOW WHO YOU ARE AND WHERE YOU LIVE. PICK UP AFTER YOUR DOG OR ELS. THIS MEANS YOU!!!.”

The following morning, the sign, though still standing, had been copy-edited: The spelling of “else” had been corrected and two of the exclamation points had been stricken as clearly superfluous. An arrow drawn in red lipstick pointed to the ground leading the viewer’s gaze directly to the mystery hound’s latest handiwork.

“This guy wears lipstick!?” I thought to myself in lower case italics.

Method #5
The Yellow Police Tape

To put it succinctly, the kinds of sociopaths who allow their pets to go wherever they want whenever they want are impervious to police tape. It is a well-known fact that these beings actually enjoy returning to the scene of the crime and allowing their dogs to disrespect the police tape by pooping all over it, which occurred in this case.

Although this method did not accomplish the objective, it did, at least, get the attention of the police who swung by and issued a citation for unauthorized use of police tape. The following night, the experiment was repeated with “Priority Mail” tape stolen from the post office. The results were duplicated.


Method #6

Prayer

The exact wording of the request to the Deity has been lost, but it went something like this: “Please, please stop this [body part] and his dog from defiling my property and I promise to be good & cetera.”

In the morning, we discovered that some new dog had picked up where the old one had left off.

Which proves that G-d exists.

WHEN DOGS ARE IN CHARGE

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18th Annual Dog Convention
Boston Common

"Be at that, or be a cat"

AGENDA

5:30 a.m. Location: Park Street T Entrance -- Opening rebarks by Top Dog, Bo Obama (Live from Washington via barking chain)

5:33 a.m. --  Location: Corner of Tremont and Arlington Streets by the Arlington T Entrance --

Snooze time.

6:00 a.m. -- Location: Throughout the Common --

Mayhem and rough-housing. (Separate mayhem group for medium to small dogs will meet at the Frog Pond).

6:30 a.m. -- Location: Beacon Hill Across from the State House by the Civil War Statue --

 Call to Order.

(Ha, Ha. That is a joke)

6:31 a.m. -- Location: Throughout the Common --

More Rough-housing and mayhem!

6:45 a.m. -- Location: Corner of Beacon and Charles Streets (near the inexplicably ugly statue of exhausted soldiers on emaciated horses) --

  BREAKFAST!

6:47 a.m. --

Barking at the the inexplicably ugly statue of exhausted soldiers on emaciated horses. 

6:53 a.m. --

Seriatim peeing on the inexplicably ugly statue of exhausted soldiers on emaciated horses

7:06 a.m. -- Location: Baseball diamond (Charles Street Side) --

 Sniffing free-for-all. (Separate sniffing-free-for-all for small to medium dogs by the hot dog stand).

Get it? The hot DOG stand!

8:03 a.m. -- We gather momentarily at the Charles Street entrance across from the Public Garden and split into caucus groups.

    A.    Caucus A will run into the road stopping traffic, continuing into the Public Garden, sprinting over the bridge spanning the Swan Boat lagoon and regrouping at the statute of George Washington for seriatim sniffing and peeing. (We'll pose for group photos and barking).

    B.   Caucus B will run alongside the Duck Tours trolley barking incessantly at the tourists who will be quaking back at them.

    C.   Caucus C will prance to the Make Way for Ducklings statue for seriatim sniffing and peeing and putting of front paws on,  and barking at, ducks.

    D.  Caucus D will run around in circles aimlessly and then, without warning, take a nap.

    E.    Caucus E. will whimper on the sidelines and then lie down.

And then get up.

And then lie down.

And then get up.

And then turn around in a circle a whole bunch of times.

And then lie down.

    F.  Caucus F. will chase pigeons near the Park Street T entrance and then join Caucus E and lie down.

9: 45 a.m. --  All locations -- SNACKS!

10: a.m. -- All locations -- Snoozing

10:46 a.m. All locations -- Snoozing with one eye open.

10: 47 a.m. All locations -- Snoozing on back with paws up in the air

10:49 a.m. -- All locations -- Woofing in sleep while dreaming of rabbits and cats.

10: 52 a.m. -- All locations -- Stretching (downward dog).

10: 56 a.m.-- All locations -- begging for snacks.

10:59. a.m. -- All locations -- SNACKS!

Panel Discussions -- 11:00 a.m. to 11:13 a.m.

Location: Public Garden (by the Swan Boats) --

"Are Prairie Dogs Giving Us a Bad Name?" (Hound, Huckelberry, panel chair)

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Location: Public Garden (near the rose beds and the sign that says "Keep Off the Grass.  No Dogs." --

"Is Dino from the Flinstones Supposed to be a Dog or a Dinosaur or Both?" (Guest panelist -- Astro from "The Jetsons.")

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Location: The Common (near the 17th Century Burial Ground)

"Is 'dog-earred' a derogatory term?"
(Dog, Wonder and Yeller, Old -- co-chairs)

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11: 14 a.m. -- Crazy time (all locations)

12:00 p.m. --

Location: Corner of Beacon and Charles Streets (near the inexplicably ugly statue of exhausted soldiers on emaciated horses) --

LUNCH!

12:14 p.m.  Mini Workshops

"Getting Away with Humping"

Location: The Common (near the bandshell)

Barkley (Sesame Street) (workshop leader)

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"Think Before Knocking Over the Garbage -- Can the Cat be Blamed?"



Location: The Common (near the corner of Charles and Beacon Streets)

Night, Three Dog (workshop leader)

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"Become Indispensable and Get Taken on Every Trip"


Location: The Public Garden (near the Frederick Law Olmstead statue)

Charlie, Travels with (workshop leader)

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1:00 p.m. -- All locations

SNACK!

1:03 p.m. to 4:00 p.m.-- All locations --

Napping.

4:00 P.M. -- The Cow path --

Frisbee time.

5:32: p.m. -- Location: Tremont Street side (across the street from the movie theater)

 Presentation of the Bone for Lifetime Achievement in a leading canine role. Presented to:  Beethoven (the dog, not the composer).

5:43 p.m. -- All Locations --

Random inspection of the tree trunks.

6:02 P.M. -- Location:  Park Street Side (across from the Boston BarK Association headquarters)

Closing Rebarks

by Scuppers (the Dog Who Belonged to Himself)

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Don't forget to steal some kittle swag on the way home!

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Honk if You Like Honking Salutes the great dogs (including those who were themselves vicitms) who have performed heroic rescues amid the recent devastaion in Haiti and all over the world:

http://www.pawesome.net/2010/01/dogs-rescue-earthquake-victims-in-haiti.html

http://news.discovery.com/animals/search-and-rescue-dogs-from-around-the-world-go-to-haiti.html

http://www.consumeraffairs.com/news04/2010/01/haiti_rescue_dogs.html

THIS DAY IN HISTORY

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630 million years BCE -- The first significant "January thaw." Thankfully, no record of insufferable dinosaurs wearing a Bermuda shorts/black socks combo and doing stretches in public while wearing headphones, even though it wasn't that warm.

180,000 BCE - The first known conversation -- primarily, monosyllabic, uninspired, and inane, pretty much as it is today.

14,300  BCE - Beginning a 16,000-year run, the first joke:    "I migrated on foot all the way from sub-Saharan Africa to the Steppes and all I got were these lousy peanuts."  Then, as now, it brought down the house.

14,299 BCE - The first re-run. Predictably, a joke about peanuts -- or the lack thereof. 

13,745 BCE - The first dog is domesticated in a yurt in what is now Mongolia.  Almost as if on cue, he does his business on the rug the next day. As of this post, the evidence is almost undetectable.

5,100  BCE - The Maya, with their Long Count cycle calendar, predict that the world will end on December 21, 2012.  They also predict that "A Chorus Line" will be a big flop. So...

5,000 BCE - The Nubians invent astronomy,  but realizing that it's too damn cold to hang around outside at night, they soon lose interest, go inside, and sit around telling variations of peanut jokes.

4,723 BCE -- First archeological find in Mesopotamia, but nobody will take the discipline seriously for another 6,000 years, because, back then, nothing found in the dirt was all that old, and, frankly, looked a lot like the stuff that was already in the kitchen.

3,023 BCE - Methuselah begins to collect social security.  900 years later, the system is nearly bankrupt.  Thanks a lot, Methuselah!

713 BCE -- January is discovered by the semi-mythical successor of Romulus, King Numa Pompilius (together with February), allowing the calendar to equal a standard lunar year (355 days). Prior to this time, no Washington Birthday sales.

143 CE -- Paper makes a big splash in China. But until the first crude paper clips are fashioned out of wattle and daub centuries later, it proves largely to be a big pain in the ass.

129 BCE - The first fortune cookie fortune: "No man is an island, but some men are a peninsula -- lucky numbers 3, 6, 14, 33, 47."

13 CE -- Jesus is bar mitzvahed. His haftarah is entitled: "Sometimes I Feel Like a Motherless Child." 

500 CE -- Paper, now over 600 years old, is really piling up.  But with no clips, staples, shredders, or 3-ring binders, the problem just keeps getting worse. The ribbon-makers are happy, though.

501 CE -- First paper airplane tested at Kitty Hawk, Scotland, about 3,200 miles of the coast of North Carolina. Maiden flight distance: 9 feet -- a record for the time.

1490 CE -- The Japanese, attempting to curb the monstrous surfeit of paper, invent origami.  They fail to solve the problem.

1503 CE -- Leonardo da Vinci, in a spasm of inspiration, suddenly and simultaneously, thinks up the lightbulb, acid jazz, and the Internet, but distracted by his obsession with the "Mona Lisa,"  abandons and then forgets about these "inventions."

1698 CE -- The Danish composer, Dieterich Buxtehude pens the popular song "Caroline," which will go on to become the theme of the Boston Red Sox for reasons known only to the gods.  Some people, erroneously, credit Neil Diamond with the composition, but, no, it was Buxtehude.

1784 - A chief of the Semminole Nation instructs a Spanish soldier how to perfect 3-minute popcorn, but with no on-demand available, the significance of the instruction is lost on the Spaniard.

1871 - The Boston Blush & Rouge baseball club is formed, and quickly changes its name to the much more manly "Red Stockings."

1886 - At the dedication of the Statue of Liberty, New Yorkers, thinking they have figured out how to get rid of excess paper, hold the first ticker-tape parade.  Nice try.

1902 - The Great Paper Shortage of "Aught Two" is exposed as a hoax...in a newspaper.

1919 -- Charles Pyramid devises a fraudulent investment scheme.  It doesn't take. Carlo Ponzi thinks of the same thing a year later, and his becomes much more popular. (Charles Dickens wrote about it in "Little Dorrit," in 1857 -- years before Ponzi and Pyramid were born, but "Dorrit Scheme" just sounds ridiculous).

1930 --  Father Bertrand Gore wakes up from a months-long coma, picks up a New York Times that has been lying about the hospital room since November 24, the year before, and reads the following headline:

PARK SEEKS CAUSE OF COLDER WINTERS; Old Treatise Predicts That Ice Age Will Return to Northern Hemisphere in 10,000 Years.

1939 -  Edged out by "The Wizard of Oz" and "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington," among others, the now- forgotten film, "A Day in the Life of Pincus Ming Mandelbaum" fails to garner a single Academy Award nomination.  

1945 - Little Harry Reid uses the term "Negro" in a first grade book report in the little town of Searchlight , Nevada. He receives plaudits for his progressiveness and forward thinking, as he would 65 years later when, as Speaker of the House, using the term to describe a presidential candidate

1991 -  Rosie's Bakery rolls out a new medley of confections called "Operation Dessert Storm."  By sheer coincidence, the White House rolls out a program of its own on the same day with a nearly identical name.

2006 - The 900 bezillionth piece of paper since time began is cut

2010 - "Return to Cranford" airs on WGBH TV.



Birthdays --


1976 --    Trisha Stillwell, Miss USA-Oklahoma, 1997,

1960 --    Sade, Helen Ady, Nigeria, Grammy winning singer

1933     Susan Sontag (Rosenblatt), author

1929  Allard Lowenstein, founder - Students for Democratic Action

1930     Norman Podhoretz, author/editor

1912     Nigel Dennis, British Writer

1911     Jay Hanna "Dizzy" Dean, pitcher, St. Louis Cardinals

1908     Ethel Merman,  actress

1885     Wladyslaw Raczkiewicz, Polish president, 1939-40 (the Not-too-Fun years)

1749     Vittorio Alfieri, Italian Dramatist

1697     Richard Savage, poet

3088 BCE  Methuselah

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