Posts
Q: What advice would you give to someone who wanted to get into the blogging business?
A: Well, I’d sit both of them down and say, “first thing, quit your day job. All the rest is commentary.”
Q: Are you saying there are only 2 people left who don’t have a blog?
A: Yes, but in the time that it took you to ask that question, it went down to one guy in Liechtenstein.
Q: You’re exaggerating. I don’t have a blog.
A: You’re from Liechtenstein?
Q: What is it with you and Liechtenstein?
A: I just like to say “Liechtenstein.”
Q: Don’t you think it’s infantile to repeat the same thing over and over? I mean, is that supposed to be funny? Nobody thinks it’s funny. A child could do that.
A: Liechtenstein, Liechtenstein, Liechtenstein, Liechtenstein, Liechtenstein, Liechtenstein, Liechtenstein, Perth Amboy, Liechtenstein, Liechtenstein, Liechtenstein, Liechtenstein, Liechtenstein. Could a child do that? I mean fast-like?
Q: Seriously. Do you think blogging is just a fad?
A: Blogging will remain popular until sex robots are perfected. Then it will taper off somewhat.
Q: But plenty of people already have other hobbies -- other things to do that compete with blogging, don‘t they?
A: Like what? Flossing?
Q: What’s your point?
A: Blogs come and go; flossing is forever.
Q: Why do you think anyone bothers with your blog?
A: Well, it’s 3 minutes of respite from the horrible news.
Q: You mean like the global economic crisis, riots in Greece, abuse scandals in the Catholic Church, giant oil slicks in the Gulf of Mexico, devastating floods in Nashville, deadly earthquakes in Haiti, Chile, and China, the genocide in Darfur, the Lord’s Resistance Army, crazy, dangerous dictators, attempted bombings in Times Square, international sex slavery, the resurgence of neo-fascism, nuclear weapons proliferation, terrorism, and endless war?
A: I was talking about Spirit Airlines charging for using the overhead bins.
Q: Do you have any favorite writers -- any influences?
A: Slaphappy Dude.
Q: What has he written?
A: Slaphappy Dude #1
Slaphappy Dude Rules.
Slaphappy Dude is the Man.
Slaphappy Dude Rules.
Sl phap de les
Slaphappy Dude Rules.
Q: He wrote “Slaphappy Dude Rules” three times, plus a possible 4th that was partially obscured?
A: Yes, but in different places. One was under a bridge. He’s quite prolific.
Q: What is it about his work that you like?
A: Brevity.
Q: You haven’t mentioned Pincus Ming Mandelbaum gratuitously, yet.
A: No. Not yet.
Q: What exactly do you get out of doing this? What’s in it for you?
A: Twenty per cent of the gross and a player to be named later.
Q: Any plans for the future?
A: I plan to live in the past. It’s cheaper and the weather’s fine.
Q: Is there anything else you’d like to say?
A: Liechtenstein.
Showing posts with label blogging. Show all posts
Showing posts with label blogging. Show all posts
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
You Can Outsource Anything! -- Even the Phrase: “You Can Outsource Anything!”
Dear Sirs:
Felicitations, Greetings, and Several Happy Returns of the Day.
Truly, we have the distinct and unspeakable pleasure of introducing to you our firm available now to be providing to you all blogging services complete -- direct from our secure offshore blogging centre and also at a fraction of the cost of production of the same in your country of legal residence without you ever once having to go out of the doors and accidentally stepping in something unexpected or your readers having even the slightest suspicions that our highly- cracked team of ghosters will be doing all of the writings whilst you are free to be floating on a rubberized raft with cup holders in your pool at your mansion without any cares and sipping drinks with tiny umbrellas through a straw while servants fan you with palm fronds and fetch you cigars from the humourisador. Look! Look! Here come the dancing girls! Imagine! You will never again be having to lift any fingers except for the ones you would need to initiate a wire transfer to process your order.
We have the utmost confidence that you will be in love with our services so much that you will want to make out with them, and then one thing will lead to another, and you will need to marry them and take them on a honeymoon at an all-inclusive resort where tipping is not allowed (we are talking about our services), but instead you can just try them risk-free for 7 hours without even having to fret about what should you do next because the charges will start automatically after 7 hours and you needn’t do a thing next. Relax! Our 7-hour money-back guarantee is aluminum-clad, the most comprehensive in the offshore blogging sphere.
But you won’t even want your money back after even 6.75 hours as you will be stunned with amazement at the results. To prove it, if you hold up a spoon in front of your eyes, you will see a blurry, distorted upside-down image of yourself smiling. (Only works with front of spoon after paying in full for our services).
Our ghosters -- each, to a fellow, certified by the On-Line Offshore Outsource Up the Down Staircase Blogging Institute -- know all of the latest jolly idioms (“wuhs sup?”) and cowboy slangs (“Madame, this is, indisputably, a rather fine cup of Joe.”) in which you are of habit in expression. Thus and therefore, Your readers will not even have any ideas about who has done all of the writings. (Our ghosters). Not only will your readers not be able to tell the difference between we and you, they will think to themselves: “Yosher Koach! Without any doubts to our thoughts, this is the thing we have ever read!”
But don’t even just take our word -- even though our word is as good as our aluminum-clad guarantee, which we have given our seal of approval. Why not try our 7-hour free trial? We will even include our mini-FDA-approved 8-hour sleeping pill which is to be taken at the commencement of the 7-hour trial. If at the conclusion of the 7-hour trial, you are up and about and not completely satisfied with the results, you may fill out the Refund Request Form, and the sleeping pill will be yours to keep with our compliments and solicitations.
Our services come in the following sizes: Tall, Grande, Venti, Piccante, Piccolo, Pocahontas, Picador, and Pepe’ Le Pew.
___________________________________________________________________________
What our customer says:
“I was truly enraptured by your services! When I held a spoon in front of my eyes, I could see a blurry and distorted, upside-down image of myself. I also saw the cat hanging from a chandelier in the background. I can’t thank you enough, as your contact information is unavailable.”
[name withheld by requestor]
_____________________________________________________________________________
Hurry and don’t wait to order! Order today! Don’t just think about doing it or else the wire won’t go through properly.
DISCLAIMER: This email is not to be construed, understood, cited, referred to, or otherwise held out as legal, tax, or relationship advice. If you are not the intended recipient of this email, please do not read this Disclaimer. Services may be habit-forming. Eating raw or undercooked poultry can‘t end well. Gluten is best avoided. Never draw to an inside straight. To unsubscribe to future emails, travel through time to the future and send an email to the unsubscribe department. Don’t forget to bring a scarf.
Felicitations, Greetings, and Several Happy Returns of the Day.
Truly, we have the distinct and unspeakable pleasure of introducing to you our firm available now to be providing to you all blogging services complete -- direct from our secure offshore blogging centre and also at a fraction of the cost of production of the same in your country of legal residence without you ever once having to go out of the doors and accidentally stepping in something unexpected or your readers having even the slightest suspicions that our highly- cracked team of ghosters will be doing all of the writings whilst you are free to be floating on a rubberized raft with cup holders in your pool at your mansion without any cares and sipping drinks with tiny umbrellas through a straw while servants fan you with palm fronds and fetch you cigars from the humourisador. Look! Look! Here come the dancing girls! Imagine! You will never again be having to lift any fingers except for the ones you would need to initiate a wire transfer to process your order.
We have the utmost confidence that you will be in love with our services so much that you will want to make out with them, and then one thing will lead to another, and you will need to marry them and take them on a honeymoon at an all-inclusive resort where tipping is not allowed (we are talking about our services), but instead you can just try them risk-free for 7 hours without even having to fret about what should you do next because the charges will start automatically after 7 hours and you needn’t do a thing next. Relax! Our 7-hour money-back guarantee is aluminum-clad, the most comprehensive in the offshore blogging sphere.
But you won’t even want your money back after even 6.75 hours as you will be stunned with amazement at the results. To prove it, if you hold up a spoon in front of your eyes, you will see a blurry, distorted upside-down image of yourself smiling. (Only works with front of spoon after paying in full for our services).
Our ghosters -- each, to a fellow, certified by the On-Line Offshore Outsource Up the Down Staircase Blogging Institute -- know all of the latest jolly idioms (“wuhs sup?”) and cowboy slangs (“Madame, this is, indisputably, a rather fine cup of Joe.”) in which you are of habit in expression. Thus and therefore, Your readers will not even have any ideas about who has done all of the writings. (Our ghosters). Not only will your readers not be able to tell the difference between we and you, they will think to themselves: “Yosher Koach! Without any doubts to our thoughts, this is the thing we have ever read!”
But don’t even just take our word -- even though our word is as good as our aluminum-clad guarantee, which we have given our seal of approval. Why not try our 7-hour free trial? We will even include our mini-FDA-approved 8-hour sleeping pill which is to be taken at the commencement of the 7-hour trial. If at the conclusion of the 7-hour trial, you are up and about and not completely satisfied with the results, you may fill out the Refund Request Form, and the sleeping pill will be yours to keep with our compliments and solicitations.
Our services come in the following sizes: Tall, Grande, Venti, Piccante, Piccolo, Pocahontas, Picador, and Pepe’ Le Pew.
___________________________________________________________________________
What our customer says:
“I was truly enraptured by your services! When I held a spoon in front of my eyes, I could see a blurry and distorted, upside-down image of myself. I also saw the cat hanging from a chandelier in the background. I can’t thank you enough, as your contact information is unavailable.”
[name withheld by requestor]
_____________________________________________________________________________
Hurry and don’t wait to order! Order today! Don’t just think about doing it or else the wire won’t go through properly.
DISCLAIMER: This email is not to be construed, understood, cited, referred to, or otherwise held out as legal, tax, or relationship advice. If you are not the intended recipient of this email, please do not read this Disclaimer. Services may be habit-forming. Eating raw or undercooked poultry can‘t end well. Gluten is best avoided. Never draw to an inside straight. To unsubscribe to future emails, travel through time to the future and send an email to the unsubscribe department. Don’t forget to bring a scarf.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Websites So Hot, You'll Need an Oven Mit
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Fresh Step Kitty Litter
http://www.freshstep.com/faq.php
Has an extensive FAQ section and a photo of a kitty looking guilty.
Glad ForceFlex® (garbage bags)
http://www.glad.com/trashbags/forceflex.php?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_term=glad+garbage+bags&utm_campaign=SEM-NonBrand
Printable $1.00 off coupon (one of the best in the industry) plus "Fun and Games" and a "Media Room."
Roto Rooter
http://www.rotorooter.com/
Testimonials, a newsletter, and so much more! You can choose "Jingle On" or "Jingle Off." When I'm watching my favorite shows, I choose "jingle off," but at other times, I really crank up the volume. I like to play it over and over. "Away go troubles down the drain!" Now available as a dance mix!
Dr. Scholl's® Freeze Away®
http://www.drscholls.com/drscholls/freezeawaygateway/index.jsp?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_term=wart%2Bremover&utm_campaign=treatments&gclid=CISNi6zR954CFZAN5Qod9mYjZw
The truth: Warts 'n all! (Contains an exciting video!). Look closely at the bottom of the page; here's the payoff: "The graphics depicted herein constitute trademarks of Schering Corporation." You'll never hear a line like that in a Bogart movie, that's for sure!
Ex-Lax
http://www.ex-lax.com/
Let the good times roll! Has an excellent legal disclaimer, a site map, and a guarantee. Sadly, not yet available en Español.
Tide: Find a Stain Solution
http://www.tide.com/en-US/stains/top-stains.jspx?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_term=stain%2Bremovers&utm_campaign=Category_(Stain)%2BStain%2BTypes%2B&gclid=CODnif3V954CFU1M5Qod1XNWLA
In a creative reworking of the "Ten Plagues" from the the Passover Haggadah, (the Tide® version -- not to be confused with the Maxwell House Coffee version), we learn all about not just blood, but also, sweat, ink, lipstick, dirt, ketchup, salsa, wax, fruit juice, and grass. Cattle disease, vermin, and boils are strangely absent, but, the time honored "poop" is there in all its splendor. Be sure to participate in the survey.
Lipitor
http://www.lipitor.com/about-lipitor/benefits.aspx?source=google&HBX_PK=s_lipitor&HBX_OU=50&o=23127370|166376222|0
In the dark days, before cholesterol was invented, there was a dearth of Internet singsong that reminded us: "Common side effects are diarrhea, upset stomach, muscle and joint pain, and changes in some blood tests." In the annals of artery-flushing, this was one of the first, and it's still among the best. The site includes the random: LPU01292L1 in the bottom right of the home page. It is believed that no other site contains this mysterious combination.
d-Con
http://www.d-conproducts.com/diagnose.html
Talk about Rodents 101! Here, you'll learn all about droppings, footprints, gnawing, rubmarks, unusual pet activity, sounds, and burrows or nests. If the silhouettes of rat shit don't set you up for a pleasant night's sleep, the sounds of mice chewing through the wiring in the walls probably will.
Arm and Hammer
http://www.armhammer.com/
The best thing about this site is the animation of food rotting in the refrigerator replete with rising smell vapors. That's right, you can simultaneously smell AND see the decomposition. Why wasn't this mentioned in "An Inconvenient Truth"? Probably an oversight. Please be sure to visit A&H's User Agreement. And tell 'em I sent you.
The CBO (The Congressional Budget Office)
http://www.cbo.gov/
Who doesn't get all hot and bothered by a dynamic bar graph? But wait, there's more: With features like: "Percentage of Estates That Have Been Taxable, 1943 to 2006," "Correction Regarding the Longer-Term Effects of the Manager's Amendment to the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act," and "An Analysis of the President's Budgetary Proposals for Fiscal Year 2010," you'll never troll the Web for porn again.
524 CMR: Board of Elevator Regulations
http://www.lawlib.state.ma.us/source/mass/cmr/524cmr.html
Nothing will make you long for the Website of the Congressional Budget Office quite like this subdivision of the Code of Massachusetts Regulations. Protective eyeware recommended. Although the CMRs do have a search facility, no amount of finagling will return the result: Lady Gaga.
The Broken Door Stop Blog
http://www.thebrokendoorstopblogspot.biz
Still under construction, but looking forward to the competition. Bring it on.
*
*
Fresh Step Kitty Litter
http://www.freshstep.com/faq.php
Has an extensive FAQ section and a photo of a kitty looking guilty.
Glad ForceFlex® (garbage bags)
http://www.glad.com/trashbags/forceflex.php?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_term=glad+garbage+bags&utm_campaign=SEM-NonBrand
Printable $1.00 off coupon (one of the best in the industry) plus "Fun and Games" and a "Media Room."
Roto Rooter
http://www.rotorooter.com/
Testimonials, a newsletter, and so much more! You can choose "Jingle On" or "Jingle Off." When I'm watching my favorite shows, I choose "jingle off," but at other times, I really crank up the volume. I like to play it over and over. "Away go troubles down the drain!" Now available as a dance mix!
Dr. Scholl's® Freeze Away®
http://www.drscholls.com/drscholls/freezeawaygateway/index.jsp?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_term=wart%2Bremover&utm_campaign=treatments&gclid=CISNi6zR954CFZAN5Qod9mYjZw
The truth: Warts 'n all! (Contains an exciting video!). Look closely at the bottom of the page; here's the payoff: "The graphics depicted herein constitute trademarks of Schering Corporation." You'll never hear a line like that in a Bogart movie, that's for sure!
Ex-Lax
http://www.ex-lax.com/
Let the good times roll! Has an excellent legal disclaimer, a site map, and a guarantee. Sadly, not yet available en Español.
Tide: Find a Stain Solution
http://www.tide.com/en-US/stains/top-stains.jspx?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_term=stain%2Bremovers&utm_campaign=Category_(Stain)%2BStain%2BTypes%2B&gclid=CODnif3V954CFU1M5Qod1XNWLA
In a creative reworking of the "Ten Plagues" from the the Passover Haggadah, (the Tide® version -- not to be confused with the Maxwell House Coffee version), we learn all about not just blood, but also, sweat, ink, lipstick, dirt, ketchup, salsa, wax, fruit juice, and grass. Cattle disease, vermin, and boils are strangely absent, but, the time honored "poop" is there in all its splendor. Be sure to participate in the survey.
Lipitor
http://www.lipitor.com/about-lipitor/benefits.aspx?source=google&HBX_PK=s_lipitor&HBX_OU=50&o=23127370|166376222|0
In the dark days, before cholesterol was invented, there was a dearth of Internet singsong that reminded us: "Common side effects are diarrhea, upset stomach, muscle and joint pain, and changes in some blood tests." In the annals of artery-flushing, this was one of the first, and it's still among the best. The site includes the random: LPU01292L1 in the bottom right of the home page. It is believed that no other site contains this mysterious combination.
d-Con
http://www.d-conproducts.com/diagnose.html
Talk about Rodents 101! Here, you'll learn all about droppings, footprints, gnawing, rubmarks, unusual pet activity, sounds, and burrows or nests. If the silhouettes of rat shit don't set you up for a pleasant night's sleep, the sounds of mice chewing through the wiring in the walls probably will.
Arm and Hammer
http://www.armhammer.com/
The best thing about this site is the animation of food rotting in the refrigerator replete with rising smell vapors. That's right, you can simultaneously smell AND see the decomposition. Why wasn't this mentioned in "An Inconvenient Truth"? Probably an oversight. Please be sure to visit A&H's User Agreement. And tell 'em I sent you.
The CBO (The Congressional Budget Office)
http://www.cbo.gov/
Who doesn't get all hot and bothered by a dynamic bar graph? But wait, there's more: With features like: "Percentage of Estates That Have Been Taxable, 1943 to 2006," "Correction Regarding the Longer-Term Effects of the Manager's Amendment to the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act," and "An Analysis of the President's Budgetary Proposals for Fiscal Year 2010," you'll never troll the Web for porn again.
524 CMR: Board of Elevator Regulations
http://www.lawlib.state.ma.us/source/mass/cmr/524cmr.html
Nothing will make you long for the Website of the Congressional Budget Office quite like this subdivision of the Code of Massachusetts Regulations. Protective eyeware recommended. Although the CMRs do have a search facility, no amount of finagling will return the result: Lady Gaga.
The Broken Door Stop Blog
http://www.thebrokendoorstopblogspot.biz
Still under construction, but looking forward to the competition. Bring it on.
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