NAOMI’S ANNUAL REPORT

Stock Symbol: NA-O-MI*

High:  2' 6"  
Low:  21"
Last Close: Bedtime
Volume: Nice
Change: For the Better

*The Securities and Exchange Commission doesn't recognize us.  Of course, the last time it saw us, we had our eyes closed.

               On this, the second anniversary of our founding, we are pleased to report that we are healthy, strong, and in the black in every sector. We are making a statement in emerging markets -- in fact, we are an emerging market. Read our Executive Summary, and discover why growing with us is a good risk.

WALKING AND TALKING

We have built our Walking and Talking Division from the ground up. In just 2 short years, we have become a recognized industry leader in this field. The division now accounts for well in excess of 50% of our total growth. As we continue to make great strides, we have nowhere to go but up (the stairs). In the coming year, we are on target to expand our toddling into the yard. We also have plans to add the names of five new colors to our vocabulary (3 of them real!), and we will soon be rolling out bigger and better animal sounds, including a comprehensively re-tooled monkey screech complete with hand gestures and a wide open grin.

CUTENESS

 With seventeen patents pending for various facial expressions, idioms, and distinct kinds of hopping, is it any wonder that when this subject pops up, we are always on the tip of the tongue? As to the rumors that our cheeks are insured by Lloyds of London, we simply will not comment, because some of our intellectual property rights are in coyness. But we love a good mystery as much as the next person.  You can draw your own conclusions.  We'll even throw in a crayon.

POTTY

Using state-of- the-art methods, (and even some crappy ones), we have made the competition tremble in fear, and literally you-know-what in its pants. And that’s the straight poop.

NAPPING

The AAA gives our napping performance a 2-star rating overall.  The BBB gives us a 3-star rating. Moody’s gives us 4 stars.  Standard & Poors gives us 5 stars, which is the highest anybody knows how to count – that we've heard tell.

SWIMMING

Our swimming department is doing -- how do you say it in your language? -- swimmingly. In fact, we have rejected many offers to acquire it and spin it off as a separate concern. We intend to keep making a big splash, but our number one goal is customer loyalty -- that, and putting our head under water and blowing bubbles. 

EATING

Nobody beats us in this category.  N-o-b-o-d-y!  Not even Zeyde. 

Even if Customer satisfaction surveys lie, ice cream doesn't, and that's just a fact. 

There's a reason the public is so impressed with us; we have the stats to back up our claims.  For the 2nd year running, we are the winner of the No. 1 Eater Award, beating out all the other eaters everywhere. 

READING

When we went public, the naysayers said we'd have a tough time against our competitors--the show-offs who were already reading in the womb before even being listed. But we believe in substance and hard work -- not parlor tricks. 

 Staying a steady, conservative course, and using just-in-time-for-bedtime management, we have built a formidable inventory.

 If we don't have it, it probably isn't worth trying to sound out the vowels.

BALLS

Man, we have a lot of!

COMMUNITY OUTREACH

We are a good citizen, and we always contribute to our community. Our charitable arm is long, and actually extends back quite a ways. Way, way back, actually.

 

CHART

As graphically displayed by Figure 1, the trends are all positive.

Every good annual report contains charts that have squiggly lines in them. Nobody knows what the lines mean, and please do not pretend otherwise.  We have our own doll carriage crammed full of such charts, naturellement.  We've published a representative sample so that our annual report will be smart and stylish.

FASHION FORWARD

 Our sartorial splendor (in the grass and otherwise) is the Talk of the Town.

 Are we a little avant garde? Perhaps. And what risk-taker isn't?

In the mane, the tell-tale sign of a winner is in the roar of approval from the market.

FUTURE PROJECTS

Artist's conception of a stick figure.

We have many mind-blowing projects on the drawing board today, which could be rolled out at any moment.   Our R&D Department is working overtime, except when it's napping. Stay tuned. With Naomi, the future is now!

FINAL WORD

LEARN MORE

For more information or to order a prospectus or just a glass of milk with a straw in it, please visit www.xyznowiknowmyabcsnexttimewontyousingwithme?.com
*Read all materials carefully before deciding to enter into a transaction. Past performance may not be indicative of future results and vice versa. We are not responsible for your snap judgments and foolhardy insomnia-induced impulses. Besides, we're only 2 years old, so sue us.

Pincus "Ming" Manelbaum and the Art of War

If you see that your opponent is decked out in full dress uniform sporting two epaulets -- one on each shoulder -- you must make a point of being seen in full dress uniform with three epaulets (4 if you can swing it).  This will sow terror into the heart of your opponent.  Additionally, if one of your epaulets comes loose and falls off, you need not busy yourself with such trifles as sewing on another epaulet, as you will already have a backup. Thus is the wise general empowered and emboldened by sowing and not sewing simultaneously. The Zen masters call this “sew-sow.” In the Art of War, sew-sow is not so-so; sew-so is good.

Do not waste precious time anticipating your opponent’s next move. Your opponent has already anticipated that you will attempt to anticipate your opponent’s next move, thereby sucking all the air out of the room. To stay one step ahead of your opponent, you must imagine yourself as your opponent imagining what you would do if you were your opponent’s opponent (i.e., you) anticipating your opponent’s next move. If, following your recovery from the nausea induced by your faithful practice of this exercise, both you and your opponent show up at the observation deck at the top of the Empire State Building at exactly 12 noon, you will know that Game Theory is not entirely poppycock.

While laying waste to your opponent’s territory, focus your mind’s eye on the post-battle landscape. Today, you are the invading soldier; tomorrow, you are the ruler. Leave nothing uninspected. Survey all the land from the highest hilltop to the lowest plain. Give yourself permission to ask this question: “Would this be a good spot for a frozen yoghurt shoppe?” replete with the utterly pretentious and superfluous “pe.” (Your opponent will surely mispronounce “shoppe,” attempting to effectuate some imagined, hyper-accentuated Elizabethan “eh.”). This will confound and demoralize your opponent, and will also be a shibboleth, marking your opponent as the one talking loudly and obnoxiously in an interminable line wending around the corner and peopled with star-struck rubes desperate to be at the next big happening. If the signs are not favorable for erecting a frozen confections stand as a monument to your conquest [and also, if the proper permitting cannot readily be obtained], decamp for a land where the members of the local peerage are more corruptible, and the countryside less overrun by competing styles of soft-serve. The patient general knows that a vanquished populace needs a half-decent incentive (such as a liberal selection of toppings) to at least go through the motions of appearing compliant and servile.

In the midst of a campaign, do not be distracted by the chattering of subordinates. Some will counsel advance; others retreat.  Still others will insist that you hold the line. Lest you succumb to the temptation to be pulled this way or that by these underlings, quiet the noise so that all that remains is the still, small clarity of your inner voice. Listen to it carefully. It will always tell you the truth without fail. And the truth is:  None of these lieutenants have as many epaulets as you have; that is why they call you “General.”

Never lose sight of your goal. Keep it pinned to the inside of your jacket at all times.  Better yet, keep it pinned to the outside of your jacket where you can keep an eye on it. And while never losing sight of your goal, be mindful of the costs. Are they cross-classified efficiently to maximize deductions? The savvy general has the foresight to save all receipts, setting the dubious ones aside for further “analysis.”

The successful general rises above petty squabbles, enforcing discipline through the religious application of strict measures, such as ordering the ranks to find the solution to a crossword puzzle riddled with multiple errors. To the Machiavellian maxim that the Prince is to be both feared and loved, add the Pincus Ming Mandelbaum Principle: The general is to remain an enigma. In a pineapple.  Under the sea. It is not for a mere foot soldier to pierce the veil between better judgment and an incomprehensible policy. While the cold, hard truth may be that the general is oft times clueless, this is a privileged secret. It is inviolate. An army will rebel against the most accomplished of generals whose expressions of self-doubt are exposed to the regiment, whereas an incompetent buffoon practiced only in braggadocio and self adoration will engender mindless loyalty to the ends of the earth. 

Any fool can start a war. Every child knows this.  They are born knowing it. Do not suppose that your opponent does not already know it, especially if your opponent has read ahead. It is no accident that in the annals of history, very few wars have been started by a child – a taunting spree or a temper tantrum, maybe – but not a full-fledged war. The reason is simple: most wars begin well past a child’s bedtime or else on a school day. As effortless as it may be to start a war, for all but the most talented of generals, it is a bridge too far to end one. The insightful general, therefore, consults not only the movement of the opponent, the celestial bodies, and the wind, but also the academic calendar and the television cartoon schedule.  The battlefield is littered with generals who imagined that they, instead of circumstances beyond their comprehension, turned the tide. In the Art of War, the general who truly seeks a comprehensive peace must experience the moment through the eyes of a child, think what a child thinks, feel what a child feels, and hear what a child hears. And when you, dear general, hear the final bell ring, ask not for whom the bell tolls; just know this: recess is over.

And so is the war.

It's So Haimishe on the Moon

"Where are you from?"

                 

                           "The Sea of Tranquility."


"Really? Which exit?"


                           "Ha! Ha!  Very funny!"


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WYYn1OKcVOI
                                           

TEXT MESSAGES OF THE ROMAN EMPIRE

SALVE, CLAUDIUS:  U GET MY TXT???

SALVE, HECTOR.  WUZ ASCENDIT? 

STUCK IN SENATE ALL POST MERIDIAN.  CAESAR DRONED ON AD NAUSEAM: “VENI, VIDI, VINCI,” MILKING THE APPLAUSE.

FELT LIKE THROWING UP (ERGO “AD NAUSEAM”) .

OMGS! CICERO FUNDITUS GHOSTWROTE THE “VENI” SPEECH. SCIUNT.

VERITAS DAT. NOW “C” IS CAMPAIGNING IN JUDEA WITH IT.

RIDERE OUT LOUD!!!!!

WHO’D BELIEVE THIS STERCORE? :/

I, CLAUDIUS.  I’D BELIEVE IT.

IN ROMA ALIQUID EST POSSIBILE.

A LIQUID EST POSSIBLE!!? WTF DOES THAT MEAN!????

NON A LIQUID, TU IDIOTA! ALIQUID!

OH.

GOTTA GO. C. U.

QUO VADIS?

HIPPODROME.  CHARIOT RACE.

HEY! ME II! IBID! WHERE YOU SITTING?

OP. SIT.

???????

JUST KIDDING.  HA HA!

OK. MAYBE ILL C. U. THERE.

SICK! C.U.

U MEAN [SIC]?

NO, SIK [SIC]?

SICK, SIK, [SIC]!

J

HEY. I’M TXTING U A PIC OF THE BIG C RITE NOW.

I CANT OPEN IT.

U HAVE TO HOLD DOWN THE  VIII KEY THE MMXIII AND THE IX KEY AT THE SAME TIME.

TECHNOLOGY SUCKS.

WHO IS YOUR SERVICE PROVIDER?

SPQR MOBILIUS.  STILL NOT GETTING THE PIC.

???  O THATS Y.  I WAS TRYING TO TXT YOU FROM THE CATACOMBS. NO RECEPTION DOWN THERE. I JUST MOVED OVER TO THE SUNDIAL BY THE FOUNTAIN OF THE FORNICATING BARBARIANS.  OK. I HAVE A GOOD SIGNAL NOW. I’M RE-SENDING THE PIC. SO YOU SHOULD HAVE II PICS. DID U GET?

??? I’LL CHECK LATER. STOP TXTING PICS TO ME NOW. TEMPUS FUGIT. GOTTA GO.

 L QUI YOU GOIN’ WITH?

DUDE!  DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSITION!

WHO YOU GOI’N WITH, ASINE?

HA HA! STULTE!

SO, WHO YOU GOI’N WITH?

TRIMALCHIO, ET AL.

UBI TRIMALCHIO IBI PANEM ET CIRCENSES!

VERBUM!

VERITAS? TRIMALCHIO IS SO JUVENILE!

U MEAN JUVENAL?

HA! HA! RIDERE OUT LOUD! I MEAN PETRONIOUS!

HA! WELL, IGNOSCAS, SI  SERIUS VENIO. GOTTA GO.

OK. YOU HANGIN’ AT THE COLOSIUM TAVERN POST RACE?

??? QUE SERA, SERA

U GOT THAT EMENDO! THE FUTURE’S NOT OURS TO SEE.

OK, POSTEA VIDEBO VOS. SEE YA!

OK. VALE! AMICUS. AND REMEMBER, WHEN U R AT THE STADIUM…

QUOD?

SI TIBI PLACUERIT FACERE, FAC VOCEM ANSERIS.

QUOD!!!!?

HONK IF YOU LIKE HONKING.

OH.